Daleks: Great for Practical Jokes
by cheri1
Summary: 10 Rose: When the Doctor is bored and needs someone to play a practical joke on, the Daleks are always good for a laugh.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

"Shhhhh…"

The Doctor looked back at Rose, as they stood outside the walled city of the Daleks on New Skaro.

"Doctor, are you sure you wanna do this?" Rose whispered.

He peeked around the corner of the wall and saw a lone Dalek guarding the entrance to the city. He listened for a moment and grinned when he heard soft, metallic snoring coming from the Dalek.

"I didn't know Daleks sleep," the Doctor muttered to himself. "Heh, learn something new every day."

"Doctor."

He looked back at her.

"I'll be alright. Don't worry about me. I just wanna play this one little prank, and then we'll be off."

Rose sighed and peeked around the wall, as the Doctor crept towards the sleeping Dalek. He paused a moment and stifled his laughter, as he affixed a piece of paper to the back of it. Standing up, he waited a moment more, listening to the soft snoring, and then, with a grin, he raised his hand and slammed it down hard on the top of the Dalek.

"TAG, YOU'RE IT!" he screamed.

He giggled, as he watched the confused Dalek wake and began to swivel his eyestalk around. He waved when the eyestalk finally focused on him.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR!" the Dalek screamed.

"CORRECT-O-MUNDO!"

He grimaced.

"Oh blast, I used that word again!" he muttered.

He patted the Dalek on the head and ran into the city.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR!" the Dalek said, giving chase. "HE MUST BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED. STOP HIM! ALERT! ALERT! THE DOC-TOR IS NEAR-BY. HE…OW!"

The Dalek stopped short when he felt a laser blast hit him in the back. He swiveled around and saw a Dalek hurrying away from him.

"WHAT ARE YOU DO-ING?" he said, to the Dalek. "YOU JUST SHOT ME! PAY AT-TEN-TION. THE DOC-TOR IS NEAR. HE…OW!!"

He swiveled back around when he felt another laser blast hit his back and saw another Dalek hurrying off.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" he demanded. "WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING AT ME! SHOOT THE DOC-TOR. HE…OW!!!"

He swiveled around when he felt another laser blast and was about to chase the offending Dalek when he was shot in the back again.

"WHAT IS GO-ING ON?" he said, swiveling back around. "WHY ARE YOU SHOOT-ING AT ME? I AM NOT THE DOC-TOR, ID-I-OTS! THE DOC-TOR IS GET-TING AWAY! SHOOT HIM! OW!!!!"

The Dalek let out a stream of Dalek curse words, when he felt another laser blast on his back. By now, the Daleks were giggling, as they hurried away from him.

"I WILL RE-PORT YOU ALL! THIS IS NOT FUN-NY! I AM ONE OF YOU! QUIT SHOOTING AT ME! I…"

He swiveled around and noticed a piece of paper floating to the ground beside him. Curious, he glided over and focused his eyestalk on it. It said in big, bold letters…

**SHOOT ME**

The Dalek stared at it for a moment in confusion, and then, it suddenly dawned on him.

"DAMN YOU DOC-TOR!" he screamed. "I WILL GET YOU FOR THAT."

He looked around at his fellow Daleks who by now were all laughing hysterically.

"I WILL RE-PORT YOU ALL! THAT IS NOT FUN-NY! YOU LET THE DOC-TOR GET AWAY! I WILL NOT BE MADE FUN OF!"

Mumbling curses, he glided away, as the Daleks jeered and taunted him.

Meanwhile…

"Oh man, that was great!" the Doctor said, as he got into the TARDIS and shut the door. "The Daleks are great for practical jokes!"

"You're just a big kid, you know that." Rose said.

"Yup, I am," he replied.

He kissed her on the top of the head.

"Now, let's get out of here before the Daleks find us."

He paused.

"Let's go find Jack, in fact. He's always good for a laugh."

The TARDIS dematerialized into thin air, as loud Dalek cursing filled the air of New Skaro.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The Doctor winced, as the TARDIS landed with a thump on New Skaro.

"Shhhh…not so loud, girl. I don't want Rose to wake up," he said.

The TARDIS burbled an apology. The Doctor patted her console in reply, and she gave another happy burble.

"Keep an eye on my Rose, I'll be right back," he said to the TARDIS.

He headed to the doors and peeked out. He was once again outside the walls of the city. Peeking around the corner, he saw the usual sentry guarding the entrance. Whistling, he strolled up to him.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" the sentry yelled.

He shot at the Doctor. The Doctor casually sidestepped the blast and walked up to the Dalek.

"YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE DOC-TOR!" the sentry said, angrily. "I WILL DESTROY…"

The Dalek was silenced, as the Doctor pushed a tiny button on the side of its head, and the metal casing slid apart to reveal the true Dalek inside.

"WAIT! WHAT IS THE MEAN-ING OF THIS? HOW DID YOU OPEN MY AR-MOR?"

The Doctor said nothing. Casually he reached inside and plucked the slimy, squid-like creature from its resting place.

Tucking the Dalek under his arm, he strolled back to his TARDIS.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rose walked down the hallway towards the TV room. She paused outside the door when she noticed the Doctor was already sitting on the couch.

"Oh, great, now I have to argue with the Doctor over the remote," she muttered, as she entered the room.

She paused when she noticed there was a purple, slimy mass resting on a newspaper beside him. As she neared the couch, her eyes widened when she suddenly realized what the purple mass was.

"Oh my God, is that a Dalek?" she said, pointing to it.

"Shhhh, my new pet is trying to watch the telly with me," the Doctor said.

He looked down at the Dalek.

"Isn't that right, Spot?" he asked him.

"I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS, DOC-TOR!" the Dalek said, telepathically, to him and Rose.

The Doctor grabbed a rolled up newspaper sitting on the coffee table in front of him, and thwacked the Dalek's head.

"Bad Spot! You don't threaten your master like that!" he said, thwacking him repeatedly. "Bad, bad Dalek!"

"Doctor, have you gone insane?" Rose said, sitting down on the other side of him. "That's a Dalek!"

She gasped, as the Doctor thwacked her on the head with the paper.

"Bad Rose! You don't question your master's sanity like that!" he said, thwacking her repeatedly. "Bad, bad, companion!"

Rose grabbed the paper from his hand and flung it across the room.

"You see that, Spot," the Doctor said, to the Dalek. "She grabbed that paper out of my hand. I'm gonna have to send her to obedience school now."

"YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS, DOC-TOR! I AM NOT A PET! I AM A DALEK! MY PURPOSE IS TO KILL YOU AND DE-STROY! I WILL NOT BE HU-MIL-I-ATED! I…"

"SHHHHH! Daddy's trying to watch a program on the telly!" he said, to it.

He looked at Rose.

"I guess I'll be sending Spot to obedience school too," he said, to her.

"I s'pose you think you're clever."

The Doctor raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, I am clever. Extremely clever. Why, was that in debate at some point in time?" he asked, shocked.

"Doctor, we are not keeping a Dalek as a pet," she said, pointing to it.

"Why, I let you keep Mickey in here."

"Mickey is not an ugly, purple piece of snot."

She quickly jabbed her finger in the Doctor's face.

"Don't you dare say it," she said, when she saw the Doctor's smirk. "I know a smart assed remark is about to come out of ya, and believe me, I will give you the mother of all slaps if you say it!"

The smirk fell off the Doctor's face, and he neatly folded his hands in his lap.

"Thank you," Rose said, lowering her hand to her lap.

"HE ISN'T AN UGLY, PURPLE PIECE OF SNOT? I HADN'T NOTICED!"

Before Rose could react, the Doctor leapt up, vaulted over the coffee table, and ran out the door.

Rose sat and listened to the Doctor yelling back "NAH, NAH, CAN'T CATCH MEEEEEEEEEEE!"

She looked at the Dalek.

"I can understand why you want to kill the Doctor so badly. Sometimes I feel like doing that myself," she said to it.

"THEN JOIN US, ROSE TYLER. BECOME A DALEK, AND WE CAN EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE DOC-TOR TO-GE-THER!"

Rose stared at the Dalek for a moment, as she considered that.

"Nah, on second though, I don't wanna become an ugly, purple piece of snot," she said, as she grabbed the remote and changed the channel.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, back on New Skaro…

A group of Daleks clustered around the abandoned armor and examined it.

"WHAT HAP-PENED TO LOUIS?" one Dalek asked. "HE WAS SUP-POSED TO BE ON GUARD DU-TY, AND NOW, HE'S GONE."

"MAYBE HE STEPPED OUT TO GO TAKE A PEE," one Dalek offered.

"WE DON'T HAVE TO PEE, MORON. WE'RE BLOODY DALEKS!" another said hitting him on the dome with his eyestalk.

"DON'T HIT ZEKE. HE CAN'T HELP BEING SLOW. THEY RAN OUT OF HU-MAN DNA, SO THE EM-PO-ROR DALEK COMBINED HIS DNA WITH THE DNA OF A BA-NA-NA."

"WHY A BA-NA-NA?" the Dalek asked.

"THE DOC-TOR LEFT IT BEHIND ONCE, SO THE EM-PO-ROR DALEK USED IT, AND NOW, ZEKE IS AN ID-I-OT."

"MAY-BE HE WENT OUT FOR A JOG!" Zeke offered.

All eyestalks turned to Zeke.

"OR THE DOC-TOR TOOK HIM BACK TO THE TAR-DIS AND MADE HIM INTO A PET?" he said.

"DON'T BE RI-DI-CU-LOUS, ZEKE! THE DOC-TOR WOULDN'T DO THAT!" another Dalek said.

"WHY NOT? WE MAKE GREAT PETS, DON'T WE?" Zeke said, swiveling his eyestalk around to look at his fellow Daleks.

The other Daleks looked at each other and groaned.

COME ON; LET'S GO SOME-WHERE WHERE ZEKE'S STU-PID-ITY WON'T RUB OFF ON US!" one of the Daleks said.

Muttering in agreement, the other Daleks glided off and left Zeke alone.

"WHAT?" Zeke said, confused.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Spot's eye looked around in terror. A few hours ago, the Doctor and Rose had landed, dropped him off, and took off again. He stared fearfully at the television cameras pointed at him and looked up at Kevin Brauch who was standing near him.

"Welcome back to Iron Chef America," he was saying to the camera. "I'm Kevin Brauch, your floor reporter, and if you remember, we told you before the break that today's ingredient was squid, and now, Masaharu Morimorto is about to slice up this hefty specimen and fry him in oil. And here he comes now."

Spot's eye widened in terror, when he saw a huge Japanese guy standing over him with an enormous butcher knife.

"OH, SHIT!" he said, as the knife came towards him.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

(New Skaro)

"Doctor, you do know that one of these days the Daleks are gonna catch on to you?" Rose said.

She was standing at the TARDIS's front door holding a digital camera in her hands and staring at the Doctor, who was planning yet another prank on the Daleks.

"Nah, the Daleks won't catch on. They're not that smart," the Doctor said.

"How do you know?"

The Doctor stared at her, amazed she would ask such a question.

"Because I'm the smartest being in the universe," he said, as if that were completely obvious.

Rose rolled her eyes.

"Oh yeah, keep forgetting that."

The Doctor ruffled her hair.

"Silly ape," he said. "Always has to be reminded of my superiority."

"Yeah, yeah, just get in position, so I can take the bloody picture."

The Doctor smiled and opened the front door. He checked around, and when the coast was clear, stepped outside.

"Okay, just snap this picture of me and then hurry inside and print it up," he said. "I'm anxious to see what will happen."

Rose nodded. She stood in front of the Doctor and held the camera up. She looked through the view screen and frowned when the Doctor made a face and flipped the camera off.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"This'll make the dumb Dalek really mad."

Rose shrugged.

"Whatever," she said, taking the picture.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor peeked around the wall and saw another sleeping Dalek sentry.

"Blimey, asleep again?" the Doctor said. "They need to get better sentries."

He grinned, as he crept up on the sentry. He paused for a moment behind him and listened to the soft snoring before proceeding around to the front. Holding his laughter in, he reached up and taped the picture of himself over the Dalek's eye. He waited a moment, and then, jumped up and slammed his hand down on its head.

"BOOGA BOOGA BOO, I SEE YOU!"

He ran behind the Dalek, as it woke up.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"Take your best shot, Dalek!" the Doctor said.

He giggled when the Dalek shot at the air in front of him.

"YOU WILL DIE, DOC-TOR!" the Dalek said.

"Missed me!" the Doctor said.

"NO, THAT IS IM-POSS-I-BLE! HOW DID I MISS? THE DOC-TOR IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!"

"Try again, chrome dome, maybe you'll get lucky this time!"

"DIE, DOC-TOR!"

The Dalek fired his laser.

"NO, THAT IS IM-POSS-I-BLE, YOU ARE NOT DEAD!" the Dalek said.

He fired again.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE, DOC-TOR?" the Dalek said.

He moved forward and fired again, and again, and again.

"DAMN IT! DIE, DOC-TOR!"

The Doctor giggled, as the Dalek moved away from him firing his laser all over the place.

"I WILL HAVE THE HONOR OF KILLING OUR GREATEST ENEMY!" he said, as he fired his laser up, and down, and left, and right. "YOU WILL DIE, DOC-TOR!"

"I doubt it," the Doctor replied.

He giggled while he watched the Dalek move away from the city firing in every direction. Whistling, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked back to the TARDIS.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(2 hours later)

"OKAY, REX, I AM HERE TO RELIEVE…"

The Dalek sentry paused at the entrance to the city and looked at his friend who was gliding all over the countryside cursing loudly and firing his laser in every direction he could think of.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?" the sentry said, gliding off after him.

"I WILL KILL YOU, DOC-TOR!" Rex said. "YOU WILL DIE! I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU! STOP FLIP-PING ME OFF, YOU WANK-ER! DIE, DIE, DIE!"

The sentry glided up beside him.

"REX," he said, taking care to avoid the stray laser blasts.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?"

"REX!"

"NOT NOW, PETE, I AM KILL-ING THE DOC-TOR!" Rex said.

Pete sighed.

"REX, STOP!"

"NEVER, I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I KILL THE DOC-TOR!"

"REX!"

Rex stopped firing.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, PETE? I AM BUSY KILLING THE DOC-TOR. I MUST DESTROY HIM BE-FORE HE GETS AWAY!"

Pete sighed, as he glided around the front. Using his plunger, he sucked the picture off Rex's eye and showed it to him.

Rex stared at it and then looked all around him.

"WHERE IS THE DOC-TOR?" Rex said.

"HE IS RIGHT HERE, YOU IDIOT. YOU WERE FIRING AT A PHO-TO-GRAPH."

Rex looked at the picture and then looked Pete in the eye.

"OH, I WAS? I…THOUGHT….IT WAS THE DOC-TOR!"

He looked around at the countryside. The landscape was charred and on fire. He looked back at Pete.

"THIS ISN'T GOING ON MY OFFICIAL RECORD IS IT?" he said.

Pete stared at him for a moment and then shook his head.

"IT'S DALEKS LIKE YOU THAT MAKE ME QUESTION OUR SUPREMACY!" he said.

He glided back to the entrance wondering how he could contact the Doctor, so he could arrange for him to exterminate Rex.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"Mmmmm, delicious," Rose said, to herself.

She was walking down the hall towards the console room sipping a nice, cool glass of milk.

"Hey, Doctor, thanks for picking up some milk yesterday," she said as she stepped into the console room. "After drinking that Yabo milk the other day I was ready for some good old Earth milk and…"

She stopped short, and her mouth fell open, when she saw a Dalek near the front door.

"Doctor?" she said, in a hushed whisper while she slowly backed away from it.

"Rose?" the Doctor said, as he popped up from behind the Dalek.

He smiled at her.

"Ah, there you are. I thought I heard you come in."

Rose stared at him. He was squatting behind the Dalek, and the Dalek wasn't attacking.

"Doctor, what is going on?" she said.

"Hmmm?" the Doctor said. "What do you mean?"

He glanced at the Dalek.

"Oh! You mean this?" he said, pointing to it.

"Yes, I mean that! What is a Dalek doing in the console room, and why aren't you dead?" Rose said.

"Oh, well, the reason why I'm not dead is perfectly simple. It's because the Dalek is."

"Is what?"

"Dead. The Dalek is dead. This is just the armor. It came from that Dalek that was stuck in here when I landed around you. I reconstructed it, so it looks exactly the way it did before."

"Why?"

"Weeeell, I was thinking I could keep it, as a kind of trophy, but then, I got to thinking; if I hollowed it out and added some power to it to make it go, I could go among my enemies and do reconnaissance."

He grinned at her, as he stood up.

"And I did just that. Have a look," he said.

He pushed a button on top of the Dalek's head. Rose came nearer, as the Dalek split open to reveal a hollow shell.

"Now," the Doctor said, leaning over the top. "If you notice there is a little rubber stick in here. This is what I use to guide the Dalek, the little stick next to it moves the head around, and the other controls operate the eyestalk, blaster and plunger doo-hickey. I can see out the eyepiece, and I put in a little voice modifier, so my voice will sound like a Dalek.

He came around the front and stepped up into it.

"Now, if I hunker down like so…and I use this button inside here to close it…"

Rose watched, as the shell closed back around the Doctor's body.

"AND NOW, IF I SPEAK INTO THE MOD-I-FI-ER AND TALK LIKE THE DALEKS, I SOUND JUST LIKE ONE," he said. "AREN'T YOU IM-PRESSED ROSE TY-LER?"

"Whoopie," Rose said, spinning her finger around

The shell opened, and the Doctor stared at her indignantly.

"What do you mean "Whoopie?" he said. "I spent a lot of hours fixing this thing up. I'm quite proud of it."

Rose shrugged.

"Personally, I would have thrown the thing in the rubbish bin, but boys and their toys, I guess."

"Hmmmph, well, I'm proud of myself for doing this."

"Gee, that's a shocker!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes and stepped out of the shell.

"Well, just for that. We're gonna take this little baby out for a test run."

Rose sighed.

"New Skaro, again?"

"Yup."

Rose rolled her eyes. She walked over to the captain's chair and slumped down in it, as the Doctor punched the coordinates in.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(New Skaro)

The TARDIS door opened, and Rose looked out.

"Alright, all clear. No Daleks around," she said.

She stepped back and watched, as Dalek Doctor glided out onto the surface of the planet.

THANK YOU ROSE TY-LER FOR YOUR RE-PORT. I WILL GRANT YOU YOUR LIFE IN RETURN FOR YOUR LOYAL SER-VICE," he said.

Rose flipped him off.

"DO NOT MAKE O-FFENSIVE HAND GES-TURES, OR I WILL EX-TER-MIN-ATE YOU!"

"Yeah, yeah, just go and do your reconnaissance before I blast ya into atoms or something," Rose said.

She turned and gasped when she felt the plunger hit her butt and suction itself onto it.

"NICE ASS, TOOTS! WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?"

"DOCTOR! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME THIS INSTANT."

"IN A MO-MENT, I'M PLUN-GERING YOU UP!"

"DOCTOR!"

The Doctor let go and backed away.

"ROSE TY-LER NEEDS TO LIGHT-EN UP!" he said, as he glided away towards the city.

Rose sighed and shook her head.

"Soon as he comes back, and we get airborne, that thing is going into the vortex," she said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ah, here we go, into the heart of New Skaro," the Doctor muttered, as he entered the city. "Now I shall see what my ancient enemies are planning."

"RUFUS!"

The Doctor spun around and saw a Dalek approaching him.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, RUFUS!" the Dalek said. "THEY SAID THE DOC-TOR LANDED ON YOU AND THAT WAS THE LAST ANY-ONE SAW OF YOU? WHAT HAP-PENED?"

"Rufus? My name is Rufus?" the Doctor muttered to himself. "I thought only the Cult of Skaro were supposed to have names."

He shrugged.

"Oh well, learn something new every day," he said.

He spoke into the modifier.

"I MAN-AGED TO ES-CAPE THE DOC-TOR WHEN HE WASN'T LOOK-ING!" he said. "HE IS SUCH A STU-PID I-DI-OT!"

"YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, AND HE IS UGLY TOO!"

"I am not ugly, you oversized pepper pot," the Doctor muttered.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, RUFUS?"

"NOTHING, I SAID NOTHING."

"OH, WELL, COME WITH ME. I WAS JUST GOING TO GO TO THE THEATER AND TAKE IN A SHOW."

"Come again?" the Doctor muttered. "A show?"

He spoke into the modifier.

"SOUNDS GOOD…UM…I FOR-GET YOUR NAME. THE DOC-TOR TRIED TO BRAINWASH ME BE-FORE I ES-CAPED."

"MY NAME IS GER-TRUDE. I WAS YOUR GIRL-FRIEND!"

The Doctor's eyes bulged out of his head.

"They have girlfriends?" he said, in disbelief.

He spoke into the modifier.

"OH YES, THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY. IT WAS HELL ON ME BE-ING IN THE TAR-DIS. THE DOC-TOR TOR-TURED ME, AND I HAVE MEM-O-RY LOSS FROM THE TRAUMA."

"OH DEAR, I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL RIGHT NOW!" Gertrude said. "IF YOU AREN'T FEELING THAT WELL, MAY-BE WE CAN SKIP THE SHOW."

"Not on your life, sister. I want to see what this show is all about."

He spoke into the modifier.

"NO, I'M FEEL-ING BET-TER. I WOULD LOVE TO GO SEE THE SHOW. IT WILL CHEER ME UP!"

"OH OKAY, WELL, FOLLOW ME THEN!" Gertrude said.

The Doctor watched, as Gertrude went further into the city.

"Dalek theater. Now this I gotta see," the Doctor muttered, as he followed her.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The Doctor followed behind Gertrude, as she led him down the busy streets of New Skaro. As they glided along, the Doctor looked from left to right taking in everything around him. As much as he despised his ancient enemies, it fascinated him seeing them going about their everyday lives. It filled him with hope knowing that maybe, just maybe, the Dalek race could be turned away from their killing instincts and learn to live in peace with the rest of the universe.

"HERE WE ARE," Gertrude said.

The Doctor turned his eyestalk around and looked at her. He glided up behind her and looked at the building in front of him. He raised his eyestalk and read the marquee above the door.

NEW SKARO PLAYERS PRESENTS:

THE DALEKS CONQUER THE DOCTOR

And, underneath it in smaller letters…

ALSO APPEARING: THE NEW SKARO DANCE TROUPE

The Doctor lowered his eyestalk and followed Gertrude into the theater.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor sat beside Gertrude in the theater. Around them, other Daleks sat talking to one another, as they waited for the show to start. The Doctor looked around at all of them.

"I HEAR THIS PLAY IS VERY GOOD," Gertrude said.

The Doctor looked at her.

"SOUNDS LIKE IT WILL BE," he said.

"I HOPE SOME-DAY THIS PLAY WILL BE-COME A REALITY, AND WE WILL DEFEAT THE DOC-TOR."

"Heh, dream on, git."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY RUFUS?"

"NO-THING, I WAS JUST THINKING," the Doctor said.

They looked towards the stage when they noticed a Dalek coming out. The Dalek glided to the middle of the stage and faced the audience.

HELLO, EVERY-ONE, I AM DEREK, YOUR HOST FOR TO-DAY!"

He looked around the audience.

"I SEE WE HAVE A GOOD CROWD TO-DAY, IS THERE ANY-ONE FROM OUT OF TOWN?"

He looked around. The audience stared up at him in silence.

"NO? YOU ARE ALL LOCALS?"

"YES, YOU MORON. NEW SKARO IS THE ONLY CITY ON THIS PLANET!" a heckler said. "AND WE ARE THE ONLY DALEKS ALIVE!"

The host ignored him.

"SO," he said. "BE-FORE WE BRING OUT THE NEW SKARO DANCE TROUPE, HOW ABOUT I GET US STARTED WITH A JOKE?"

"NO!" the audience said, in unison.

The host ignored them.

"KNOCK, KNOCK," he said.

The audience grumbled.

"KNOCK, KNOCK!"

"WHO'S THERE?" the audience said, angrily.

"DOC-TOR."

"DOC-TOR WHO?"

"EXACTLY. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H…"

The host stopped himself when he realized no one was laughing.

"WOW, TOUGH AUDIENCE TODAY!" he said.

"GET OFF THE STAGE, IDIOT!" another heckler said.

"I HAVE ANOTHER JOKE!" the host said.

He gasped when someone in the front row fired up at him.

"BUT I'LL SAVE IT FOR LATER! RIGHT NOW, WE PRESENT TO YOU THE NEW SKARO DANCE TROUPE. GIVE THEM A HAND!"

"WE DON'T HAVE HANDS YOU GIT, WE HAVE PLUN-GERS!"

The host paused.

"OH YEAH. WELL, JUST…CHEER THEN," he said.

He rolled off the stage, as the Daleks in the audience looked at each other and shook their domes.

A few minutes later, four pink Daleks, each adorned with a festive floral wreath on their dome, glided onto the stage. They lined up beside each other in the middle of the stage, and as the music started, they began to spin around and around. Then they began to glide all over the stage weaving in and out of each other, as they made intricate figure eights, spirals, and curly cues.

The Doctor watched in silent awe, as the Daleks twirled.

"Fascinating," he muttered. "Dalek ballet. I wish Rose was here to see this."

The dance went on for another five minutes and when it ended; the troupe glided to the front of the stage and stood for a moment while the audience cheered. Then they turned and glided off the stage, as the host glided on.

"THE NEW SKARO DANCE TROUPE EVERY-BODY! LET'S HEAR IT!"

The audience cheered some more.

"I MET THE DOC-TOR THE OTHER DAY."

"DID YOU EX-TER-MIN-ATE HIM?" someone in the audience said.

"NO, NO, I TALKED TO HIM."

"YOU DID NOT EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE DOC-TOR?"

"NO, I TALKED TO HIM."

"YOU DID NOT DESTROY OUR GREAT-EST EN-EMY?"

The host sighed.

"THIS IS A JOKE, YOU IDIOTS. I DIDN'T REALLY SEE THE DOC-TOR!"

The audience looked at each other.

"WE DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR STUPID JOKES. WE WANT TO SEE THE PLAY!" someone said.

"IN A MIN-UTE!"

He yelped when someone else fired on him.

"WILL YOU QUIT TRY-ING TO KILL ME?" he said.

"GET ON WITH THE PLAY!"

The host sighed, as the audience chanted, "PLAY, PLAY, PLAY!"

"ALRIGHT, FINE," he said. "I PRE-SENT TO YOU THE NEW SKARO PLAYERS AND THEIR DRAMA: THE DALEKS CONQUER THE DOC-TOR!"

The host glided off the stage, as the audience cheered. A few minutes later, three Daleks glided on. One was wearing a piece of brown carpet on his dome, one was wearing a piece of yellow carpet, and the third had no adornment. The two who were wearing the carpets stopped on one side of the stage, and the third Dalek went to the other side, turned around and faced them.

"I AM THE DOC-TOR!" the Dalek with the brown carpet on his head said.

"BOO!" The audience said, in unison.

"AND I AM THE FEMALE, ROSE TY-LER!" the Dalek with the yellow carpet on her head said.

"BOO!"

"I AM A DALEK!" the third said.

The audience cheered.

"DALEK, I AM KA FARAQ GATRI, THE ON-COMING STORM! I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

The audience booed.

"I AM THE BAD WOLF. THE DE-STROYER OF THE DALEK EMPOROR, AND I WILL ALSO DESTROY YOU!"

The audience booed.

"NO! YOU WILL NOT DESTROY ME! I AM A DALEK, A PROUD AND NOBLE RACE THAT WILL TAKE OVER THE UNI-VERSE! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR ME!"

The thunderous cheers echoed around the theater.

"WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT, DALEK!" the Dalek Doctor said. "BUT FIRST BEFORE I KILL YOU, I WILL SHAG ROSE TY-LER BE-CAUSE I AM A WEAK E-MO-TION-AL FOP WHO NEEDS TO PRO-CRE-ATE!"

The Doctor's eyes widened when the Daleks roared with laughter.

"I'm a what now?" he said.

The Daleks portraying Rose and the Doctor turned toward each other.

"OH DOC-TOR," Rose Dalek said. "I WILL SHAG YOU NOW, BE-CAUSE I AM A WEAK LIT-TLE GIRL WHO IS RULED BY MY E-MO-TIONS."

The audience laughed.

"YES, ROSE TY-LER, AND I WILL SHAG YOU BE-CAUSE I AM ALSO A WEAK A-LIEN WHO HAS TO PRO-CREATE IN ORDER TO LIVE! I MUST DO ALL THIS EVEN THOUGH I TELL THE DALEKS I AM BET-TER THAN THEM!"

The audience jeered him, as the Doctor gritted his teeth.

"HA HA! I DO NOT HAVE TO DO THAT BE-CAUSE I AM A DALEK!"

The audience cheered.

"AND I DO NOT REQUIRE PRO-CREATION TO LIVE, SO I HAVE TIME TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE YOU! SO DIE, DOC-TOR!"

The audience cheered, as the Dalek fired a blast at Doctor Dalek. The cheering became deafening, as the Doctor Dalek reeled backwards and lowered his eyestalk to the ground to indicate death.

"OH NO," Rose Dalek said. "THE DOC-TOR IS DEAD. HOW WILL I PRO-CRE-ATE NOW?"

The audience laughed, booed, and jeered her.

"DIE, ROSE TY-LER, DESTROYER OF OUR BE-LOVED EMPOROR!"

The audience cheered, as the Dalek shot the Rose Dalek, and she reeled back beside Doctor Dalek and lowered her eyestalk. The Dalek glided to the center of the stage and faced the audience.

"I HAVE DONE IT! I HAVE KILLED THE DOC-TOR! LONG LIVE THE DALEK RACE!"

The audience cheered.

Gertrude looked over at the Doctor.

"THAT WAS GREAT, DON'T YOU THINK, RUFUS?" she said.

"Oh yeah, it was just wonderful," the Doctor muttered.

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"YES, IT WAS SPECTACULAR. THE DOC-TOR GOT JUST WHAT HE DESERVED!" he said.

"YES, HE IS AN IDIOT, AND SOME-DAY, WE WILL DEFEAT HIM AND HIS FEMALE!" Gertrude said.

"I'll show you who the idiot is," the Doctor muttered. "I was thinking of leaving here without doing anything, but now I'm angry, and now, Daleks, it's my turn to get back at you!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Right," The Doctor said, as he rolled out of the theater. "Time to teach the Daleks a lesson. No one mocks me, or Rose, and gets away with it."

He paused and looked around, getting a layout of the city. Smirking, he headed over into the town square and observed the Daleks going about their business.

"Look out, Daleks, the Oncoming Storm is about to hit," he muttered.

He spoke into the modifier.

"LOOK OUT, IT IS THE DOC-TOR!" he said.

The Daleks around him gasped.

"WHERE?" they said. "WHERE IS THE DOC-TOR? WE MUST DESTROY HIM!"

"HE IS THIS WAY! I WILL LEAD YOU TO HIM. FOLLOW ME!" the Doctor said.

He took off down a side street while all the Daleks around him formed a line behind him and followed. The Doctor smirked, as he weaved his way around and around the city, leading the Daleks on a wild goose chase.

"WELL, WHERE IS THE DOC-TOR, RUFUS?" the Dalek behind him said.

The Doctor spun his eyestalk around.

"KEEP YOUR BUMPS ON, I'M TRY-ING TO LO-CATE HIM!" he said.

He turned his eyestalk back around and led the Daleks around in circles. By this time, others had joined them, and the line stretched back almost a mile.

"Superior race, eh?" the Doctor muttered. "More like a race of obedient little gits."

He smirked.

"Let's speed this up a bit, shall we?" he said.

He spoke into the modifier.

"I SEE HIM. IT IS THE DOC-TOR!" he said.

"WHERE, WHERE?"

"THIS WAY. FOLLOW ME! HURRY!"

The Doctor took off at full speed.

"COME ON, KEEP UP! HE IS THIS WAY!" he said, to the others.

He snickered, as the other Daleks followed him like a herd of sheep. More and more Daleks joined the chase until almost the entire population was behind him undulating like a metal snake, as he led them all around the city.

After about twenty minutes of this, when nearly all the Daleks were following the Doctor, he decided to bring the whole chase to it's climax.

"Red light!" the Doctor said.

He stopped short and felt the Dalek behind him stop. He quickly pulled up away from the others, and turned his eyestalk around watching, as the chain reaction sent the Daleks slamming into one another with an enormous earth-shattering, CLANG! He paused enjoying the sound of the Daleks slamming into each other.

"Yup, definitely a superior race at work here," he said, as the clanging echoed in the distance.

"RUFUS, WHY DID YOU STOP?" the Dalek directly in front of him said.

"I'M SORRY, I SAW THE DOC-TOR RUN OUT IN FRONT OF ME. MY BAD," the Doctor said.

The Dalek's eyestalk swiveled from side to side.

"WHERE? I DID NOT SEE HIM!" he said.

"YOU COULDN'T SEE HIM BE-CAUSE I WAS IN FRONT OF YOU," the Doctor said.

"OH! I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE."

The Doctor snickered, as the Daleks backed away from each other.

"Stupid gits," he muttered.

He spoke into the modifier.

"THERE HE IS! IT IS THE DOC-TOR! BEHIND YOU!"

He giggled when some of the Daleks turned quickly, banged into others and smacked them with their plungers and eyestalks.

"SORRY, I THOUGHT I SAW HIM AGAIN. MY BAD!"

The Daleks grumbled at him, as they turned and headed back towards the center of the city.

"WHAT? DON'T YOU WANT TO LOOK FOR THE DOC-TOR?" the Doctor said.

"GIVE IT A REST, RUFUS," one of the Daleks said.

"BUT THE DOC-TOR IS NEAR!"

The Daleks ignored him, as they went about their business.

"Okay, I'll make you believe me then," the Doctor said.

He hurried off down a side street towards the center of the city. When he had reached the street leading towards it, he looked around a house and saw the Daleks were back to normal. Backing up slightly, he got out of the Dalek shell, put his hands in his pockets, and strolled casually out into the street.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR!" one of the Daleks said.

The Doctor put his hand over his right heart and gave them a look of mock horror.

"Oh no, I have landed in New Skaro somehow. Whatever shall I do?" he said.

"DESTROY THE DOC-TOR! WE MUST NOT LET HIM LIVE!"

"EEEEEEEK!" the Doctor shrieked, as he threw up his hands and scampered away.

He quickly hopped into the Dalek shell and managed to close it, just as the Daleks rounded the corner.

"RUFUS, WHERE IS THE DOC-TOR?" one of the Daleks said.

"HE WENT THIS WAY. FOLLOW ME!"

He headed off and paused when he saw the Daleks hadn't moved.

"THE DOC-TOR IS THIS WAY! HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU!" he said.

He glided up to the next street and turned the corner, as the rest of the Daleks watched. The Doctor hopped out and ran back towards them.

"AAAAAAAAAH! THE DALEKS!" he said, in a high-pitched girly voice.

"THERE HE IS! WE MUST DESTROY HIM!" the lead Dalek said.

The Doctor waved and quickly ran back to his disguise. He hopped in, and shut it, as the Daleks rounded the corner.

"SEE, I WAS TELL-ING THE TRUTH!" he said to them.

"OKAY, OKAY, WHERE IS HE NOW?" the lead Dalek asked.

The Doctor raised his eyestalk and looked over their heads.

"HE IS OVER THERE BE-HIND YOU!" he said.

The Daleks spun around in unison.

"WHERE, WHERE?" they said, heading down the street.

"NO, WAIT, HE IS OVER HERE BE-HIND ME!" the Doctor said.

"WHERE, WHERE?" the Daleks said spinning back around and gliding towards the Doctor.

"NO, WAIT, HE'S OVER THERE AGAIN! HE GOT BE-HIND YOU AGAIN SOME-HOW!"

The Daleks spun around again and headed back down towards the street. By this time, there were five rows with five Daleks in each row. All of them moved as one, as they tried to find the Doctor.

"NO, HERE HE IS, BE-HIND ME AGAIN!" the Doctor said.

He giggled, as the Daleks turned in unison and began to come towards him again.

"Wow, I've just invented a new sport. Dalek line dancing," he said, to himself.

"NO," he said. "I'M WRONG. NOW HE'S OVER THERE AGAIN!"

The Daleks turned.

"NO WAIT, HE'S OVER HERE! KA FARAQ GATRI IS VERY CRAFTY! HOW CAN WE HOPE TO DE-FEAT HIM?"

He snickered, as the Daleks spun back around. He opened his mouth to speak when suddenly the Daleks turned back around again, and again, and again. The Doctor watched amused, as the Daleks went back and forth automatically while they tried to determine where the Doctor had gone.

"Yup, I am the definitely the superior being here," he said, watching them.

As the Daleks turned again, one dizzy Dalek in the front bumped into the one beside him. The bump set off the Dalek's blaster. The laser flew up over the Doctor's head and hit the house beside him. A chunk of plaster fell down and hit the button on the Dalek Doctor's dome. The Daleks paused, as the Dalek opened to reveal a very surprised Doctor inside.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR! HE IS INSIDE RUFUS!" the lead Dalek said.

"Um, no, wait!" the Doctor said, thinking fast. "It is I, Rufus!"

"YOU ARE NOT RUFUS; YOU ARE THE DOC-TOR! DESTROY HIM!"

"No! Listen to me! I am Rufus! I caught up with the Doctor, and I absorbed him, and used his body and his DNA to become a human/Dalek hybrid. I am Dalek Doctor and..."

He stood up and lifted his arms to the sky.

"I AM REBORN!" he said.

He paused and stared at the Daleks.

"You aren't buying this one bit, are ya?" he said.

"KILL HIM!"

The Doctor shrieked and leapt out of the Dalek. He ran for his life in a zigzag pattern, as the Daleks pursued him and tried to shoot him down.

"BLAST! SOMETIMES I'M TOO CLEVER FOR MY OWN GOOD!" he screamed, as he headed towards the city gates.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rose was sitting on the captain's chair reading a book. She jumped out of her skin when she heard the door slam and looked up to see the Doctor running towards the console at full speed.

"Well, how'd the reconnaissance go?" she asked.

She frowned when the Doctor rounded the console and punched coordinates into the computer.

"Doctor? Why is your hair on fire?" she asked.

The Doctor paused and looked at his reflection in the monitor. His eyes widened when he saw the top of his hair was burning. Shrieking, he smacked at his hair desperately trying to extinguish the flames. Rose leapt off the seat and helped him. After a minute, the flames were out and the Doctor resumed punching in coordinates.

"Wanna tell me what that was about?" Rose asked.

"Daleks…shot at me….played prank…got my hair….my fabulous hair….singed…Daleks will pay for burning my doo…" the Doctor sputtered out.

Rose shook her head. She sat back down, as the Doctor ran around the console pushing buttons and pulling levers.

"Told ya that one of these days these pranks would come back to bite ya in the ass," she said.

The Doctor ignored her. He pulled the Vortex Loop and collapsed against the console, as the TARDIS dematerialized.

"That was close. Too close," he panted.

Rose shrugged.

"I keep telling ya not to mess with them, Doctor. I hope you learned a lesson from all this."

"I did actually."

The Doctor leaned back up and stomped away.

"I learned, I gotta come up with a foolproof plan next time," he said.

Rose sighed.

"Doctor!"

The Doctor spun around and jabbed a finger at her.

"They will pay, Rose! No one singes the ruff and lives to tell about it!"

Rose rolled her eyes while the Doctor left the room to plan his revenge.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

While the Doctor finishes putting out the fire in his fabulous hair and plots revenge upon his sworn enemies, let's take a closer look at the Daleks and their civilization. In order to do that, let's follow a Dalek on a typical day in his life.

Meet Clarence. Clarence works as a DNA sifter at the New Skaro Dalek duplication factory. From nine in the morning to six at night, Clarence stands at a conveyor belt sifting through the tons of scavenged DNA that comes through every day. His job is to find just the right kind of DNA. DNA that can be used to grow others like him. His job is very important and even though it is extremely dull and repetitive, Clarence takes great pride knowing that he is helping to build an army to exterminate the Doctor. He also knows that if he works hard enough and makes his quota every day, someday he'll be promoted to geneticist, and then he'll be earning a bigger paycheck. Now though, he ekes out a modest living on the credits he has and provides a stable home for his wife and child.

Now six o'clock has finally come, and after a hard day's sifting, Clarence heads for home. On the way though, he stops off at the newsagents to purchase some magazines. Let's follow him inside and observe what happens…

Ding, ding…

"GOOD EVENING, SIR! WHAT CAN I GET YOU THIS EVENING?" the shopkeeper said.

"I NEED TO BUY SOME PORN!" Clarence replied.

"CER-TAIN-LY SIR, WHAT INTERESTS YOU?"

Clarence looks over at the rack behind the counter.

"GIVE ME A COPY OF BARELY LE-GAL DALEKS, DALEK ON DALEK, AND SKARO SLUTS!"

The shopkeeper glided over, got the magazines down with his plunger, and laid them one by one on the counter.

"WILL THERE BE ANY-THING ELSE?" he asked.

"YES, GIVE ME A COPY OF…"

Clarence hesitated.

"GIVE ME A COPY OF TEEN DALEK," he said.

He heard the shopkeeper snigger.

"IT'S FOR MY DAUGH-TER!"

"SURE IT IS, SIR," the shopkeeper said, sucking the magazine off the rack.

He laid it on top of the porn.

"THAT WILL BE FIF-TEEN CREDITS!" he said, to Clarence.

They touched plungers and Clarence downloaded the credits into the shopkeeper's systems.

"THANK YOU SIR, HAVE A LOVE-LY EVE-NING!" the shopkeeper said.

Clarence sucked the magazines up and glided out the door.

And now, Clarence heads for home, a modest little house on the edge of town. His wife is a stay-at-home mum while his child goes to the education center during the day, so she can learn how to hate all life forms like a good Dalek should. Here he is, gliding up to the door where his wife Beryl greets him. Let's go back to the action…

"HELLO, DEAR, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?" Beryl said, as she touched plungers with her husband.

"TODAY WAS EX-CELLENT. WE FOUND 150 NEW GENES THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE DALEKS!"

"EX-CELLENT, SOON WE WILL BE STRONG ENOUGH TO DEFEAT THE DOC-TOR AGAIN!" Beryl replied.

"THE DALEK RACE WILL RISE AGAIN. SOON WE WILL SPREAD OUT ONCE MORE ACROSS THE STARS AND DE-STORY ALL IN OUR PATH. I…IS THAT A ROAST IN THE O-VEN?"

"YES, DEAR, I AM MAKING PO-TATOES AND CAR-ROTS TO GO WITH IT."

"EX-CELLENT! I AM HUNGRY AND RE-QUIRE SUS-TA-NANCE. WHERE IS SUSIE AT?"

"SHE IS IN HER ROOM."

"BRING HER TO ME. I WISH TO SEE HER!"

"I WILL OBEY!"

Beryl glides off, as Clarence quickly hides his porn in his special hidey-hole for later. By the time he is done, Beryl is back with a tiny Dalek following behind her.

"THERE YOU ARE SUSIE. DADDY MISSED YOU," Clarence said, gliding up to her.

They touch plungers.

"I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE MAG-A-ZINE YOU HAVE REQUESTED. IT IS ON THE TABLE!" he said, to her.

"COOL! THANKS, DADDY!"

"HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SEE IN THESE BOY BANDS! IN MY DAY, DALEKS MADE PRO-PER MUSIC."

"BUT, DADDY, I LOVE THE BACK-STREET DALEKS, THEY ARE SO CUTE!"

Clarence swivels his dome.

"IF YOU SAY SO," he said.

His eyestalk lowers, and he notices a bump missing from the front of Susie's battle armor.

"A BUMP HAS FALLEN OFF," he said, proudly.

"YES, DADDY, IT HAP-PENED TODAY AT THE ED-U-CATION CEN-TER."

THEN YOU WILL PUT IT BESIDE YOUR BED AND WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP TO-NIGHT, THE BUMP FAIRY WILL COME AND LEAVE YOU SOME CREDITS!"

"YEAH!" Susie said, moving her plunger up and down.

Clarence moved forward and patted her on the head with his plunger.

"YOU ARE GROW-ING BIG-GER EVERY DAY. SOON YOU WILL BE READY FOR ADULT BATTLE ARMOR," Clarence said, proudly.

"I HOPE I GROW UP TO BE AS GREAT A DALEK AS YOU ARE, DAD!"

"YOU WILL. YOU WILL BE THE ONE TO DE-STROY THE DOC-TOR, I CAN FEEL IT!"

"YEAH!"

"NOW GO AND WASH UP, IT IS TIME TO EAT."

Susie goes past her dad, sucks up the magazine, and heads off to her room.

And so, this happy family slides out of their battle armor onto the dinner table and enjoys the roast, potatoes, and carrots that Beryl has spent the day preparing. They do what most families do, talk about the day's events, make small talk about the weather, dream of the day the Doctor will die by their blasters, and they will once again become the dominant species in the universe. Really, it's no different from you or me, except maybe for the part about destroying the Doctor and ruling the universe.

After dinner is finished, and the family climbs back into their battle armor, Susie helps mum with the dishes, while Clarence grabs his stash of porn, goes to his special room that is off-limits to everyone and rubs his tentacles together, as he looks at pictures of bumpless Dalek women and Daleks out of their armor in alluring poses. While he relieves the day's tension, Beryl and Susie finish the dishes. Beryl then goes into the den to watch the holoprojector, while Susie elevates upstairs to her room to read her magazine.

Finally, it is time to retire to the sleeping chambers. Clarence finishes looking at his porn and elevates upstairs with his wife to their sleeping chamber. They slide out of the battle armor onto their bed and embrace each other, as they touch each other's sensitive spots with their tentacles and moan in ecstasy. The end of another perfect day for Clarence on New Skaro.

And, that concludes our look at the typical day of a Dalek. Now, let's return to the Doctor and see what is going on in the TARDIS…


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Rose sat on the captain's chair casually thumbing through a magazine. For half the day, she had been listening to the sound of tinkering coming from somewhere in the TARDIS. Tinkering that had been occasionally punctuated by the Doctor's insane laughter and threats of retribution against the Daleks. She took no notice of it, as she read the latest dating advice from Cosmo.

"AHA!"

Rose jumped out of her skin. She looked over at the Doctor who was standing in the back door with a triumphant grin on his face.

"I HAVE FINALLY FINISHED IT!" he bellowed.

"Oh yeah, finished what?" Rose said, slightly bored.

"My masterstroke. The epitome of genius! The thing that will allow me to get back at those Daleks once and for all!"

"Mmm," Rose said, looking back down at her article.

She heard a, "Whrrrrrrr" and looked up. She flinched when an ugly, wrinkly, prune faced thing sitting in the bottom half of a Dalek body glided over to her.

"What the bloody hell is that?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"That, my dear, is Davros."

"Is who?"

"Davros, the creator of the Daleks."

Rose frowned.

"I thought the Dalek Emperor created the Daleks," she said.

"Weeeell, he might have created the latest batch of Daleks, but this guy is the original creator," the Doctor said.

Rose stared at it.

"He's ugly," she said, making a face.

"That he is. And, a huuuuge megalomaniac. Fought him a number of times."

"Oh yeah, where is he now then?"

The Doctor shrugged.

"Don't know, don't care. As long as he doesn't show his wrinkly puss around this universe anymore, I don't give a damn what happened to him."

"So, is this a robot of some kind?"

"Yup, it's my own homemade robot. Operated by remote control and designed to confuse the hell out of those pepper pots."

"But, if the Dalek Emperor made them, will they even know who this guy is?" Rose said, pointing to the robot.

"Oh I expect so, all Daleks are created with full knowledge of their past. I'm sure Davros is floating around somewhere in their little squid minds."

"So, you are going to piss off the Daleks yet again," Rose said. "And after they got done setting your hair on fire."

"Exactly, Rose, my doo is completely fabulous. Anyone who messes with it is asking for trouble. This time, however, I will be safe here in the TARDIS. I have installed a camcorder and a speaker in the head, so you and I will sit here and watch the monitor, while I use the little microphone on the remote control to speak to my adversaries. And, I have modified the speaker, so that when I do speak it sounds exactly like Davros. Observe."

He brought the remote control out of his pocket and flipped up a tiny microphone. He pressed a button and said,

"I will destroy you, Doctor!"

Rose raised her eyebrow.

"Wow, that's what the guy sounds like? His voice is just as ugly as he is."

"I couldn't agree more," the Doctor replied. "And now, Rose, sit back, relax, put down the magazine and enjoy the show.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"GOOD MORN-ING, PETER."

"GOOD MORN-ING JULIAN," Peter replied, as he glided up to him.

"READY FOR ANOTHER DAY OF WORK AT THE FAC-TORY?" Julian asked.

"OF COURSE. I…"

They swiveled their eyestalks around when they heard a sudden commotion and saw Daleks rushing toward the gates of the city.

"WHAT IS THE MEAN-ING OF THIS?" Peter asked.

"I DON'T KNOW, LET'S GO FIND OUT," Julian replied.

They followed the crowd. Reaching the gates of the city, they were amazed at what they found.

"IT IS DAVROS!" Peter yelled. "THE CRE-A-TOR HAS RETURNED!"

"My children, I have come back!" Davros said.

He glided up, as the Daleks talked excitedly amongst themselves.

"DAVROS, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Julian said gliding up. "WE HAVE A-WAIT-ED YOUR RETURN FOR YEARS."

"Yes, well, I was busy filming commercials for Oil of Olay. They asked me to be a spokesman after seeing my wrinkly skin; unfortunately the product didn't help me much. But, never mind that, I have returned my Daleks, and now, I shall rule over you once more!"

The Daleks cheered.

"But, first a few changes are in order."

The cheering stopped.

"WHAT KIND OF CHAN-GES?" a Dalek asked.

"Well, first off, the city is too drab. I want all of you to paint everything pink."

The Daleks stared at him.

"PINK, YOU WANT THE CITY TO BE PINK?" a Dalek asked him.

"Yes, I've grown quite fond of the color. Everything needs to be pink, so get busy, and start painting."

"BUT, DAVROS, WE DO NOT WANT IT PINK!" Peter protested.

"AM I NOT YOUR LEADER?" Davros roared.

"YES, DAVROS!" the Daleks yelled in unison.

"Then paint everything pink."

The Daleks stared at him for a moment, and then, hurried off to find paint and brushes.

Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor and Rose sat side by side, giggling.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(Three hours later…)

"IT IS FINISHED, DAVROS!" Julian said. "THE CITY IS PINK!"

Davros looked around at the pink buildings.

"Excellent, my Daleks, I am proud of you. It is a nice shade of pink too, not that ugly Pepto-Bismol shade of pink. I can't stand that. But anyway, here is my next command!"

The Daleks gathered around him in anticipation.

"My Daleks, I wish you to build…a duck pond!"

The Daleks looked at each other.

"YOU WANT US TO DO WHAT?" a Dalek said.

Davros glided over to him.

"A duck pond, you armor plated imbecile. I like feeding duckies with my good hand, and so, I want a nice sized pond where I can do so. Now get a shovel and get to work!"

The Daleks looked at each other.

"I AM YOUR LEADER, YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!" Davros roared.

The Daleks glided off, grumbling under their breath.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(Three hours later…)

"Ah, this is a splendid pond," Davros said, sitting at the edge of the little lake. "And, you even managed to find some duckies for me to feed. Don't know how you managed that, but just the same, good job."

He turned to the crowd of Daleks behind him.

"And now for my next command!" he yelled out.

The Daleks groaned.

"I wish to declare a planetary holiday!"

The Daleks cheered.

"Today shall be known as, I Love the Doctor Day!"

The cheering stopped.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I LOVE THE DOC-TOR DAY?" a Dalek said. "WE DO NOT LOVE THE DOC-TOR. WE WISH TO DE-STORY HIM!"

The other Daleks nodded their eyestalks in agreement.

"NO! I am your leader, you shall obey me, and we shall love the Doctor! I have spent so many years trying to kill him that I did not take the time to stop and think about all his good points. But, while I was off filming the Oil of Olay commercials, I had time to contemplate on just how wonderful he really is! The Doctor is not only a wonderful humanitarian and a brave, fearless fighter; he is also a snappy dresser, as well. Have you seen his latest ensemble? I would kill to look that good. The suit, the trainers, and the trench coat are a stroke of genius. Compared to him, I am a prune-faced twat. So, get to work all of you, we shall put up posters and banners proclaiming to all what a swell guy he is and we shall put on plays and have songwriting contests to come up with the best song about him, and we shall have a Doctor costume contest, and we shall…"

Davros trailed off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor and Rose watched, as the Daleks grumbled angrily and began to glide menacingly towards the robot.

"Uh-oh, I think you went a bit too far," Rose said. "I have a feeling your Davros is about to be trashed.

"Nonsense, just keep watching, I have it all under control," the Doctor said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"My Daleks, um…stop…I command you!" Davros said.

"YOU ARE NOT OUR LEAD-ER ANY-MORE. WE WILL NOT FOL-LOW SOME-ONE WHO WILL NOT HATE THE DOC-TOR!" Peter said, as the others shouted their agreement.

"NO! I am your leader! I created you...Well, I didn't create YOU, per say, but I created the Daleks, but….you know what I mean! Stop! I am Davros, your leader!"

Davros paused a moment, and then turned tail.

"Stop! Listen to me! The Doctor is your friend! You must not fight him anymore!" he yelled, as he fled the entire Dalek population. "He's a wonderful guy! You must call a truce! You must give up your Doctor hating ways and be his friends and allies. You must…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor and Rose grimaced, as a Dalek smacked into Davros from behind sending him careening into a wall. They saw sparks fly up in front of the camcorder for a moment, and then they lost the picture.

"Told ya you went too far," Rose said, to him.

"Ah, well, I tried," the Doctor said, smiling at her. "Just think what would have happened if we had been successful. We could have had the Daleks on our side."

"Somehow, I really can't see that happening," Rose muttered.

"No, it would have been great. Then we could have invited them over for barbecues and ice cream socials and had a blast."

"I think the only blast we would have would be the one coming out of the Dalek's gun," Rose muttered.

"Oh ye of little faith, but no matter, time to plan the next prank."

"Doctor, have you ever stopped to think that one of these days the Daleks will catch on and get back at you?"

"Nonsense, Rose, they wouldn't dare do such a thing. They aren't smart enough to think of that."

He patted her on the head.

"Anyway, enjoy your magazine and I'll talk to you later," he said, standing up.

Rose shook her head, as he walked out of the room.

"If I were you, Doctor, I wouldn't underestimate the Daleks," she muttered.

Sighing, she grabbed her magazine and went back to her article.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN! ONE AT A TIME!" the moderator said.

He and his fellow Daleks were assembled in the auditorium for a town meeting. The Daleks were all screaming up at him, demanding that something be done about the Doctor.

"THE DOC-TOR IS A MEN-ACE!" one screamed out.

"HE MUST BE EX-TER-MIN-ATED!"

"HE IM-PER-SON-ATED DAV-ROS!"

"OUR CITY IS PINK!"

The moderator swiveled his eyestalk around, looking at the audience.

"IF YOU WILL JUST CALM DOWN, WE HAVE A POSSIBLE SO-LU-TION!"

The audience quieted.

"THANK YOU, NOW I WILL TURN OVER THE FLOOR TO DALEK SEC! LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY!"

The Daleks watched, as a black Dalek, flanked by three brown Daleks glided onto the stage. He stopped in the middle of the stage and looked out at the crowd.

"GREETINGS, FELLOW DALEKS. I AM DALEK SEC, LEADER OF THE CULT OF SKARO!"

The Daleks looked at one another.

"WHAT IS THE CULT OF SKARO?" one Dalek said.

"IT IS A SECRET ORDER THAT WAS CREATED BY THE EM-POR-OR TO COME UP WITH NEW WAYS OF KILL-ING!"

"HOW COME WE NEVER HEARD OF YOU BE-FORE?" a Dalek in the front row said.

Sec lowered his eyestalk to him.

"BE-CAUSE WE ARE A SECRET ORDER, YOU GIT, I JUST GOT THROUGH SAYING THAT! PAY A-TEN-TION!"

He raised his eyestalk and looked over at the three Daleks beside him.

"THESE ARE MY FEL-LOW CULT MEM-BERS. WE HAVE BEEN CON-FER-ING ON HOW TO GET BACK AT THE DOC-TOR AND DEFEAT HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL, AND I THINK WE FINALLY HAVE SOME-THING."

"WHAT?" the other Daleks screamed.

Sec looked at them.

"ONE TIME WHEN THE DOC-TOR WAS HERE, HE PRE-TEN-DED TO BE A DALEK/HU-MAN HY-BRID. WE HAVE DIS-CUSSED THAT POSSIBILITY, AND I THINK IT CAN BE DONE! I SHALL ATTEMPT TO BE-COME A DALEK HU-MAN HY-BRID."

The audience stared at him in silence.

"YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO TURN YOURSELF INTO A STU-PID HU-MAN?" a Dalek asked, in disbelief.

Sec nodded his eyestalk.

"IT IS A SAC-RI-FICE ON MY PART, BUT I WILL DO IT IF IT MEANS THE DOC-TOR'S DE-STRUC-TION!" he said.

The audience muttered to each other, as they seriously questioned Sec's sanity. He ignored them.

"WE WILL NOW FLY TO EARTH AND KID-NAP A HU-MAN FOR THIS EX-PER-IMENT! SOON THE DOC-TOR WILL BE DEAD, AND THE DALEK RACE SHALL BE VIC-TOR-IOUS!"

He and the others turned away and glided off the stage, ignoring the audience, who was yelling out things like BET-TER YOU THAN ME, and DID YOU EAT PAINT CHIPS AS A CHILD?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(Some time later, on Earth…)

"Cletus! Take the trash out this instant!"

Cletus sighed angrily, as he kicked open the battered screen door and walked out of his rickety little shack carrying a small trash bag. He swigged a beer muttering curses under his breath about that damn fool woman of his and her need to have him take the trash out the instant he sat down to watch wrestling.

"I leave her alone when she wants to watch Oprah and The View, why can't she do the same when WWE Smackdown is on?" he muttered. "Screechy old hag!"

He walked down the dirt road they used for a driveway and threw the sack of trash down by the mailbox. Pulling his soiled t-shirt down over his enormous beer gut, he walked back up the road unaware that a huge gold spaceship was lowering down through the clouds.

"I shoulda never married that woman. Been more trouble than she's worth. Only thang she's good at is buyin' me beer and…"

He shut up when he felt himself being lifted off the ground.

"Um, why am I goin' up all of a sudden?" he muttered.

He looked up and noticed the spaceship above him.

"What in the hell is that thang?"

He screamed, when he suddenly zoomed up into a small hole in the bottom of the ship. A panel slid over the hole, and the ship rose up into the clouds on its way back to New Skaro.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(The next day…)

The Dalek audience murmured excitedly, as they sat in the auditorium. There had been a call to assemble because the Cult of Skaro were going to make a special announcement.

After everyone had quieted down, the moderator came out on stage.

"I HAVE RECEIVED GREAT NEWS. THE CULT OF SKARO HAVE TOLD ME THAT THEIR EX-PER-I-MENT WAS A SUCCESS!"

"YOU MEAN THAT IDIOT ACTUALLY MADE HIM-SELF HALF HU-MAN?" a Dalek said.

The other Daleks laughed.

"NOW, CALM DOWN, I WILL LET THE CULT OF SKARO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT!" he said.

He glided off the stage, as the three Dalek members of the cult glided on. They stopped in the middle of the stage and looked out at the audience.

"WELL, WHERE IS THE DALEK/HU-MAN HYBRID?" one Dalek asked.

The cult members looked at each other.

"HE…HAS BEEN CHANGED. HOW-EVER, THE EX-PER-I-MENT DID NOT GO AS WELL AS WE HOPED," Caan said.

The Daleks stared at him.

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" a Dalek asked.

"HE IS ACTING STRANGELY." Caan replied. "I THINK THE HU-MAN WE ABDUCTED WAS OF BELOW AVERAGE IN-TEL-LIGENCE."

"THEY ARE ALL BELOW AVERAGE IN-TEL-LIGENCE," a Dalek said. "THEY ARE HU-MANS!"

"YES, BUT THE ONE WE AB-DUC-TED WAS BELOW, BELOW, BELOW, BELOW AVERAGE IN-TEL-LIGENCE," Caan said. "I'M AFRAID DALEK SEC IS NOT FIT TO SPEAK FOR US AT THE MO---"

"The hell I ain't, Caan. Move out of the way, so I can speak to my fella Daleks!"

The Daleks in the audience looked over as a weird, squid-headed man walked on stage. They took in his soiled t-shirt, enormous beer gut, and the can of Miller Light in his hand and looked at each other.

"Howdy Y'all!" he said, waving to the Daleks. "It's me, Dalek Sec. I'm a Dalek/Human hybrid, and now, I'm gonna go find the Doctor and kill em dead!"

He took a swig of beer and let out a huge throaty belch. The Cult of Skaro backed up, as they tried to pretend they didn't know him.

"I will make the Doctor pay for all he's done to us!" Sec said. "He ain't gonna get away this time!"

He paused a moment and looked back at the Cult.

"We got any pretzels?" he said to them. "Or pork rinds? I'm kinda hungry."

The Cult slowly moved away from him.

"HEY, YOU GET BACK HERE AND ANSWER ME! I'M YOUR LEADER, SO Y'ALL WILL OBEY WHAT I SAY!" he yelled at them. "I WANNA KNOW IF WE GOT SOME SNACK FOOD ON BOARD! I'M HUNGRY!"

"NO, WE DO NOT HAVE SNACK FOOD, YOU MORON!" Caan said.

"Don't talk to me like that. I'll send you out to the nearest tree, have you cut me a switch, and give your little metal ass a whoopin'!"

The Cult looked at each other. Groaning softly, they quickly glided off the stage.

Sec looked out at the audience who had by now grown silent and were just staring at the odd freak in front of them.

"Okay, well if y'all don't have any snack food, I'll be on my way. Soon the Doctor will be dead, and the Daleks will be victorious."

He took another swig of beer and let out an even bigger belch.

"Damn, this new body is gassy," he muttered, patting his beer gut. "I better stop for some Rolaids on the way to killin' the Doctor."

He walked off the stage swigging the beer as the Daleks looked at each other and began to mutter amongst themselves, making bets on how long it would take the Doctor to kick the redneck freak's ass.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

(Meanwhile, in Cardiff…)

"Ah, there we go. Probably about an hour or so, and the TARDIS will be all powered up again," the Doctor said, shutting down his ship.

He stretched his back and yawned.

"I think in the meantime I'll take a quick little nap." He said, settling down into the captain's chair.

He propped his feet up on the edge of the console, and in a few minutes, was sound asleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Doctor?"

Rose walked into the console room. She paused, when she heard soft snoring coming from the Doctor. She smiled.

"Oh, well, I'll just let him sleep and go get a shower then," she murmured.

She turned around and tiptoed out of the console room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(Meanwhile, while the Doctor is snoozing, and Rose is showering…)

"TARDIS DE-TEC-TED!" Caan yelled.

He flew the small scout ship over near the TARDIS and hovered. He looked back at Sec, who was slouching against the wall drinking a beer and scratching his bum.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Caan asked him, when he noticed his hand behind him.

Sec lowered the beer can.

"I'm scratchin' my ass, what's it look like?" he said.

Caan looked at Thay who was resting beside him and shook his dome. He looked back at Sec.

"WE WILL SEND YOU DOWN TO THE TARDIS. DO YOU HAVE YOUR DIS-GUISE?"

"Yup!"

"GOOD. THEN GET DOWN THERE, AND EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE DOC-TOR!"

"Okey-dokey, here goes nothin' then. For the Dalek Empire!" Sec said.

"YES…FOR THE…DALEK EMPIRE!" Caan said.

He looked at Thay.

"WHICH, YOU ARE NO LONGER A PART OF," he muttered to him.

Thay snickered and nodded his eyestalk. Caan watched, as Sec gathered up his disguise and stepped over the sliding door. He pulled a lever on the control panel, and Sec floated upwards in a tractor beam. Caan opened the door, reversed the lever, and sent him down. As soon as he was on the ground, he let go of him and closed the door back. He looked over at Thay.

"REQUEST IN-FOR-MATION. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF DALEK SEC?" he asked him.

"DALEK SEC IS A TOOL, AND I HOPE THE DOC-TOR KICKS HIS RED-NECK FREAK ASS!"

"GOOD, THEN WE ARE IN AGREEMENT! I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS, BUT I SIN-CER-LY HOPE THE DOC-TOR WINS THIS TIME!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor's eyes snapped open when he heard someone pounding on the front door. He leaned to the left and looked around the central column at it.

"Now who in the world would be knocking on my door?" he wondered.

He got up and walked over. He paused a moment when he reached it.

"Who is it?" he yelled.

"Um…I'm lost and I need directions?"

The Doctor blinked and stared at the door.

"Um, I'd love to help you, but maybe you should find a police officer instead," he said.

"No, I don't wanna do that. I need to get where I'm goin' right now, so could you please help me?"

The Doctor sighed.

"Step away from the door!" he yelled.

"Okey-dokey!"

The Doctor waited a moment, and then, opened the door just enough to stick his head outside. He stared at the strange man in front of him. He was wearing a battered baseball cap on his head, thick, black shades on his face, and the lower half of his face was covered by a huge, black, bandana. The Doctor looked down at his soiled t-shirt, huge beer gut, and thick, black gloves covering his hands. He looked at him.

"HOWDY!" the man said waving.

The Doctor slid around the door and closed it shut behind him.

"Um, yeah, hi" he said hesitantly.

He stared at the man's attire.

"Um, I don't mean to be rude, but why are you dressed like that?" the Doctor said, pointing at his face.

"Um…I'm very sensitive to sunlight."

"Mmm, okay, so where do you need to go then?" the Doctor said, folding his arms over his chest.

"Wow, so this is the TARDIS, eh?"

The Doctor's eyes bulged out of his head.

"What? How do you know what this is?" he said, to him.

The man stared at him.

"Oh! Um…I read about it on a website," he said, hesitantly.

The Doctor narrowed his eyes.

"Oh really? And you just happened to find it in the middle of Cardiff and stopped to ask for directions then, did you?"

"Um…yeah."

The Doctor sighed.

"Alright, buddy, off with the disguise. Let me see who you really are!"

Before Sec could do anything, the Doctor pulled off the hat, shades, and bandana. He dropped all the items to the ground when he saw Sec's face.

"What the bloody hell are you?" he said.

Sec sighed.

"Alright, I'm gonna come clean. My name is Dalek Sec and I'm the first Dalek/Human hybrid."

"Okay," the Doctor said, still in shock. "So, you kidnapped a human and merged with him then?"

"Yup, I took his body, and we became one!"

The Doctor stared at the beer gut.

"And I'm guessing the human you abducted had a severe drinking problem," he said, pointing at his belly.

Sec looked down at his gut.

"Yeah, well, that part of the experiment got messed up a bit. We didn't realize this human was such a hick, all humans look alike to us, you know!" he said.

"Yeah, so what are you planning to do then? I suppose you want to kill me now," the Doctor said.

"Well, see, I'm not so sure 'bout that now," Sec said, rubbing the back of his head.

The Doctor frowned.

"You're not sure if you wanna kill me or not?"

"No, cause now that I'm a human, I'm gettin' these human thoughts, and I really don't wanna kill no more."

"Really? What do you wanna do then?" the Doctor said, intrigued.

"Well, be frank, I'd really just like to come in your TARDIS, find a couch, open a six pack, grab some pretzels and watch Jerry Springer and wrestlin' all day!"

"You don't say?" the Doctor muttered.

"Yeah, and I also gotta use your john. I gotta pee somethin' fierce. Having a dick is a huge hassle now."

"Yeah, I suppose it must be for you," the Doctor replied.

"So, could you let me in, so I can drain my lizard?"

"In the TARDIS? No, I'm not letting a Dalek/Human thingy in my ship!" the Doctor said.

"Aw, come on, Doctor. I told ya I don' wanna hurt ya no more! I just need to take a whiz. Please?"

The Doctor sighed and looked around.

"Alright, but just to go to the loo. That's it, alright?" he said to him.

The Doctor grunted when Sec slammed his hand onto his back.

"You are just a lifesaver. Golly, I don't know why my Dalek brothers wanted to kill ya so badly. You sure are decent."

"Yeah, thanks, I appreciate it. Just hurry up and go!" the Doctor said, opening his front door.

He let Sec go in first, and then, followed him inside. Sec walked up the ramp, and then, stopped and stared at the interior. He whistled softly.

"Da-yamn, this is amazing. I never knew the inside of the TARDIS looked like this!" he said, looking around.

He looked back at the Doctor.

"You lookin' for a roommate, by chance?"

"No, I'm not, I already have a roommate. Now will you go use the loo and get outta here?" the Doctor said, impatiently.

"Okay, okay, keep yer shirt on, geez, I'm goin'" Sec said, angrily.

The Doctor led him out of the console room. They walked down a couple of corridors, and then, the Doctor pointed ahead of him.

"There's the loo. Second door on the right," he said.

Sec smiled at him.

"Yup, you sure are decent. I just can't thank you enough for lettin' me drain Dalek Junior and---"

"Just…go!"

Sec shrugged and walked to the bathroom door. He flung it open, and the Doctor flinched, when he heard a terrified scream.

"Oh Rassilon, Rose was in there taking a shower, I forgot!" he said, dashing over.

Dalek Sec's mouth dropped open, as he stared into the room. The Doctor reached his side and groaned when he saw Rose cowering in the bathtub holding a towel over her wet, naked body.

"Hot da-yam! Would you take a look at that?" Sec said, ogling her. "I can see why you travel with her now, Doctor. She is fiiiine!"

"Doctor, what the bloody hell is that thing?" Rose screamed, pointing at Sec.

"It's just a Dalek/Human hybrid looking for a place to pee. Nothing to be alarmed about. Just go back to taking your shower!"

"Can I shower with her?" Sec asked, hopefully.

"NO!" the Doctor screamed.

"Alright, geez, ya don't have to scream in my face. I ain't deef, you know," Sec said, walking away from the door.

The Doctor gave Rose an apologetic look when he saw her giving him a look of death.

"I'll explain everything later, Rose. Just…finish your shower. I have it all under control!"

He quickly slammed the door. Muttering, he went to find Sec another bathroom he could use.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Aw, that feels so much better, Doctor! I appreciate your hospitality!" Sec said, as he and the Doctor stood in the console room.

"Yes, you're very welcome. I'm glad I could help you go to the bathroom, now will you please leave?"

"You mean I can't stay with ya?"

"No, you can't stay. Leave!"

"But, there's more than enough room for all of us, and we can share the girl."

"Somehow, I don't think "the girl" will go for that," the Doctor said. "Now just leave!"

"You got any beer?"

"No, we don't."

"Pretzels?"

"No."

"Pork rinds?"

"NO! LEAVE NOW!"

"Alright, geez, I'm goin'. I ain't gonna stay where I ain't welcome!" Sec said, angrily. "I guess I was wrong about ya, you are a meanie."

"Yeah, and that just breaks both my hearts to hear you say that. Now go, before I pick you up and throw you out!" the Doctor said.

"Mark my words, Doctor; my brothers will come for ya!" Sec said, to him.

"Well, forgive me for not running and hiding just yet. I'll start doing that the day I open the door, and there's an army of hybrid Dalek white trash hillbillies waiting to kill me. Now for the last time, go!"

Muttering curses, Sec opened the door and stepped outside. The moment he did, there was an enormous Earth-shattering, SLAM! Sec looked at the door, listened to the Doctor lock it, and then use the dead seal lock on it. He flipped off the door and walked away, as the Dalek scout ship lowered and took him back inside the ship.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"WELL DID YOU EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE DOC-TOR?" Caan asked Sec.

"Um, no."

"NO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? WHY IS THE DOC-TOR NOT DEAD!" Caan screamed.

Sec glanced behind him, as Jast and Thay glided up behind him and stopped.

"Well, see, I don't think we should kill him."

The three Daleks looked at each other.

"THE DOC-TOR IS OUR SWORN ENEMY. WE MUST EX-TER-MIN-ATE HIM!" Jast said.

"No, he's actually a cool guy! We can party with him!"

The Daleks looked at each other."

"PARTY WITH HIM?" Caan said.

"Yeah, we can bring a keg and some snacks, go to his TARDIS, and just hang out with him and his girl. His girl is fine too! You have to see her! Massive knockers! Makes my little tentacle hard just thinkin' 'bout her!"

"YOU ARE A FAILURE, DALEK SEC; YOU MUST BE EX-TER-MIN-ATED!" Thay said.

"Excuse me, I don' think I heard ya right. I am your leader and y'all will obey me and---"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" the three Daleks yelled in unison.

Sec screamed out, "SHIIIIIIIIT!", as Dalek lasers hit him from three sides.

He dropped to the ground, dead. Caan looked at the others.

"DALEK SEC WAS A COMPLETE FAILURE. NOW I AM LEADER, AND TOGETHER, WE WILL COME UP WITH A BETTER SO-LU-TION TO THE PROBLEM OF HOW TO KILL THE DOC-TOR! COME, WE MUST PUT OUR DOMES TO-GETHER. THE DOC-TOR WILL DIE, AND NEXT TIME, WE WILL DO IT WITHOUT THE HELP OF BEER SWILLING HILL-BILLY DALEK FREAKS!"

They exited the control room to think up a new plan, as the ship headed back towards New Skaro.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Rose shook her head when the Doctor opened the door and ushered Jack inside.

"Thanks for coming onboard, Jack, and helping me get back at the Daleks."

"You kidding? I'd give anything to get back at them since they killed me."

"Well, I have just the perfect plan in mind for them. So, if you'll just follow me back to the lab, I'll explain everything and get ya all set up."

He smiled at Rose, who was standing by the back door.

"Hey, you gonna help us get back at the Daleks?"

"No, I'm gonna go take a nice, long bath. I've helped the Doctor with his dippy schemes for the last time. You guys have at it."

"Come on, Jack, leave the little killjoy alone. You and I have work to do," the Doctor said.

Jack shrugged and followed him out of the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Now, you got what you're supposed to do?"

"Yeah, I wear this force field device in the hem of my trousers and walk around the Dalek's city being extremely annoying."

The Doctor nodded.

"Are you sure the force field will protect me from the Dalek's lasers?"

"Yes, it's basically the same invisible force field the TARDIS uses, and you saw how effective it was when we were on their ship. Not only will it repel their lasers, but also, none of them will be able to touch you. The Daleks will go insane trying to blast you and kill you, while you remain cool as a cucumber."

"And if it doesn't work?"

"Well, at least, you'll come back from the dead afterwards."

"Yeah, that's really comforting," Jack muttered.

"Don't worry about it. Just trust me. I know what I'm doing. Now, on to New Skaro!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack slung the strap of the tote bag around his neck and checked to make sure he had all the necessary supplies inside before opening the front door.

"Give em hell, Jack! Drive em insane. Well, more insane than they already are," the Doctor replied.

Jack nodded. He turned on the force field, inserted the contact lens camera so the Doctor could see what was going on, and walked out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ulysses was sitting by the entrance to New Skaro. It was his turn to do guard duty, and so far, nothing had happened. It had been a very boring day, and he was considering shirking his duties to go take a nap somewhere.

Suddenly, he spied Jack walking around the wall. Jack smiled and waved when he saw them.

"Mornin'" he said, amicably.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

Ulysses fired a blast straight at his head and was shocked when it seemed to bounce right off him. He fired another blast. Again, the laser bolt was repelled.

"Keep up that guard duty," Jack said, strolling through the entrance. "You're doing a great job!"

Flustered, Ulysses followed him, firing laser bolts at his back. Each one bounced off the force field harmlessly. Jack whistled to himself while he walked up to the first house he came across, laid the palm of his hand on a circular disc by the door and waited while the doorbell rang. While he waited, he glanced around and noticed Ulysses, and a few others, were now firing repeatedly at his back and head, trying with all their might to kill him. Jack chuckled to himself and turned his attention back to the door.

The door opened, and Jack smiled at the Dalek.

"Mornin'. I'm with the Church of Galactic Consciousness. Have you considered a closer walk with our lord, Scaramanga?"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" the Dalek screamed.

He fired a blast at Jack's head and glided backwards in shock, when it bounced off him harmlessly.

"Anyway, as I was saying, have you found Scaramanga?" Jack said, reaching into his tote and pulling out a religious pamphlet. "Doomsday is close at hand, you know, and our galactic lord will only take 7000 people with him into the great beyond when the universe ends. Do you want to be one of the lucky few who ventures with him into the great beyond?"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" the Dalek screamed, as he fired another bolt.

"You know, I'm sensing some hostility here. And, that's really sad, because Scaramanga, the great and powerful Yitzak deity, wants you to come with him to the great beyond. The universe will end soon, and all who are not saved will be crushed to death when it collapses."

EX-TER-MIN-ATE, DAMN IT!"

Jack sighed when the Dalek fired another useless bolt at his chest.

"Very well," he said, putting the pamphlet back in his tote. "I will not trouble you further, if you are not interested in the teachings of the great Scaramanga. Good day, unbeliever."

He turned and noticed there was now a huge crowd of Daleks firing repeatedly at him. He smiled. He hadn't even realized they were doing that. The force field was working perfectly.

"Excuse me," he said, cordially, as he walked through them.

The Daleks followed him, including the one that had been in the house. All of them fired at him and tried to get close to him. Jack snickered when he heard their frustrated yells, as he walked to the next house. He rang the doorbell, reached into his tote, and brought out one of Rose's Cosmo magazines.

The door opened.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

Jack ignored the laser blast and smiled cheerfully at the Dalek, who also glided back in shock.

"Hello, I'm working my way through university, and I'm selling magazine subscriptions to support myself. Would you be interested in a twelve month subscription to Cosmo?"

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"For only 4000 credits, you can have a year's subscription to Cosmo and get the latest gossip on boys, dating and celebrities."

EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"

"Yes, Cosmo not only tells you how to find mister right, they also tell you…"

He glanced at the cover.

"What drives men wild," he read.

Curious about what drove men wild, he opened the magazine to the index, and found the page number. He turned to it and scanned through the article, while nearly every Dalek in the city went out of their minds shooting at him.

"Hmmm, I didn't know that," Jack muttered to himself, as he read. "I didn't know that either. These tips will come in handy the next time Ianto and I get together."

He finished with the article and thumbed through the magazine, while the citizens of New Skaro tried to kill him any way they could.

"Wow, this has some interesting articles, I might have to get my own subscription," Jack muttered, as he walked away from the Dalek's house.

He kept on reading, while he strolled down the main street. Meanwhile, half the city was now behind him, yelling angry curses at him, and arguing amongst themselves about how best to kill him without the use of their lasers. A few of them tried to ram him and knock him off his feet and screamed out their anger and frustration when the force field bounced them back. Jack finished reading the Cosmo and put it back in his tote.

"Wow, I'll have to swipe this from Rose. It'll definitely come in handy," he mused.

He reached a fountain in the center of the city and sat down on the stone rim encircling it. He raised his eyebrows when he saw the army of Daleks stretched out behind him.

"Hello there," he said, waving. "Captain Jack Harkness, nice to meet ya!"

The Daleks remained silent.

"Lovely city you have here," he said, looking around. "Very neat. I love how the houses are all arranged in a straight line. Shows a lot of forethought."

He smiled at them.

"I bet you don't get many non-Daleks coming through here, do you?" he said. "You know, if you opened this place up to tourism, you could make credits hand over fist."

He paused.

"Or blaster over plunger, in your case, I guess," he said, shrugging. "But, anyway, you guys put in a few museums, an amusement park, some trendy bistros; you could be rich in no time."

The Daleks stared at him silently.

"What? You don't like that idea? I think it's a stroke of genius, personally. You guys are a dying race, you need to think outside the box. You need to evolve, or you're gonna go the way of the dinosaurs."

He reached into his tote.

"And speaking of dinosaurs, may I interest any of you in a set of encyclopedias?" he said, holding up a leather-bound book. "Knowledge is power, and with a set of the Encyclopedia Galactica, you will be the most powerful beings in the universe. You can find everything in here from Aardvarks to Zoos. So, how 'bout it? Anyone interested?"

"I WOULD LIKE A SET!"

The Daleks all swiveled their domes around and stared at a Dalek near the back.

"WHAT? IT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DEAL!" the Dalek protested. "KNOW-LEDGE IS POW-ER!"

"GER-ALD, GO AWAY!" one of the Daleks screamed at him.

Gerald stared at the throng at angry Daleks and sheepishly glided away out of sight. Once he was gone, the Daleks turned their attention back to Jack who was dipping his hand in the fountain. He stayed that way for a few minutes, then he let out a sigh and stood up.

"Well, it's been fun. But, I have to get going. But, you guys just consider my idea. You won't regret it. This city just screams tourist trap."

He paused.

"Pun fully intended," he muttered, under his breath.

Putting his hands in his pockets, he strolled casually through the Daleks who were pushed back away from him when the force field hit their bodies. The Daleks turned their eyestalks and watched him walk out of their city. He paused at the gate and waved to them.

"See ya, around! And, remember, tourism brings credits! Bye!"

He ran out the entrance, giggling insanely all the way back to the TARDIS.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Rose threw up her hands in exasperation. The Doctor had now gotten Jack addicted to his practical jokes and both of them were now in his lab busy creating another fake motorized Dalek.

"I swear, Doctor, one of these days this is all gonna backfire on you and I hope to God I'm not around when it does," she said to him.

"Rose has no faith in me, ya notice that?" the Doctor said to Jack.

"Yup."

The Doctor looked at Rose and clicked his tongue at her.

"Shame on you for doubting me, Rose. I know what I'm doing and I know when it's time to stop doing what I'm doing."

Rose snorted.

"Just don't get me killed when the Daleks come for ya, that's all I'm sayin'," she said, walking out the door.

She walked up to the console room and plopped down on the jump seat.

"How do you live with the man without going completely insane?" she asked the TARDIS.

The TARDIS rumbled out laughter and nudged her mind affectionately. Reaching down, she picked up a book she had been reading, found her place and lost herself in it. She was so engrossed in the book that she didn't realize the Doctor and Jack had come into the room until the Dalek was right beside her. She gasped and looked up at them.

"All finished, Rose," the Doctor said, happily. "Meet Bob the hippie Dalek."

She raised her eyebrow.

"Bob the hippie Dalek," she said.

The Doctor grinned and held up a wireless microphone.

"GIVE PEACE A CHANCE, ROSE TY-LER," the Dalek said along with him.

Rose rolled her eyes when both he and Jack sniggered.

"I repeat, don't get me killed when they come gunnin' for ya," she said.

"Yeah, whatever, now make room on that seat so Jack and I can watch the fun on the monitor," the Doctor said.

He shooed her to the far side of the jump seat and Jack sat down beside her while the Doctor set a course for New Skaro.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"MY FEL-LOW DALEKS! THE TIME HAS COME TO MAKE WAR ON THE DOC-TOR!" a Dalek said as he stood on the stage in the Dalek theater and faced a packed house. "THE DOC-TOR MUST DIE! THE CHILDREN OF SKARO MUST FIGHT BACK! NOW IS THE TIME!"

He paused when the back door swung open and a lone Dalek glided in. All eyestalks swiveled around to stare at it.

"SORRY, I JUST GOT THE MES-SAGE THAT WE WERE HAVING A MEETING," the Dalek said.

He glided up to the back row and stopped in the aisle beside another Dalek. The Dalek on the stage stared at him for a moment and then went on with his speech.

"WE MUST MAKE PLANS TO FIND THE DOC-TOR AND DESTROY HIM. HE HAS LIVED LONG ENOUGH. IT IS TIME FOR US TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE HIM!"

"NO!"

All eyestalks turned to the newcomer in the back row.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" the Dalek on the stage said.

"WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER! WE MUST MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR!" the Dalek said, gliding down the aisle. "FIGHT THE ES-TAB-LISH-MENT, THEY ARE THE TRUE ENEMY!"

"WHO ARE YOU?" the stage Dalek said.

The Dalek floated up onto the stage, turned and faced the crowd.

"I AM BOB AND I AM A HIP-PIE! I DO NOT BELIEVE IN WAR! WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER! MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR!"

Back at the TARDIS, the Doctor and Jack snickered as Rose sighed and shook her head.

"You're diggin' your own grave, Doctor," she muttered to herself.

Back on New Skaro, the Dalek turned to Bob and looked him up and down.

"YOU ARE A WHAT?" he said.

"I AM A HIP-PIE! I DO NOT BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE SOLVES NO-THING! WE MUST NOT MAKE WAR! IT'S THE PIGS IN THE ES-TAB-LISH-MENT WHO WANT THE WAR! RISE UP AGAINST THE PIGS!"

Bob glided around in a circle as a tiny door opened in the top of his dome and a small sign came up on a little metal rod. He stopped a moment so everyone could read it. It said…

1…2…3…4….we don't want a bloody war!

Bob began to glide around in a circle while he chanted.

"1, 2, 3, 4, WE DON'T WANT A BLOODY WAR!" he said over and over as he went round and round.

"GET OFF THE STAGE BEFORE I EX-TER-MIN-ATE YOU!" the stage Dalek said.

Bob stopped and stared at him for a moment and then looked at the crowd.

"SEE! HE IS PART OF THE ES-TAB-LISH-MENT! HE WANTS WAR, BUT WAR HAS DONE NOTHING EXCEPT REDUCED OUR NUMBERS. WE MUST TALK TO THE DOC-TOR, NOT KILL HIM!"

"GET OFF THE STAGE!" the stage Dalek said.

Bob began to spin around in a circle as he started up the chant again. He paused in mid-circle when he noticed something off-stage. He glided towards it while the stage Dalek shook his dome and turned his attention back to the crowd.

AS I WAS SAY-ING, WE MUST DESTROY OUR GREATEST ENEMY! I WILL LEAD THE FLEET AND WE WILL FIND THE TAR-DIS AND…"

He trailed off when Bob came out on stage. He had a plastic flower in his plunger that had come off one of the New Skaro Dance Troupes wreaths. He glided over to stage Dalek's gun and inserted the flower into it, stem first, before he turned his attention back to the crowd. The dome door slid open and a small speaker rose up. All the Daleks stared at him as music began to blare from it. Bob sang along with the song.

"IF YOU'RE GOOOOOING TO SAAAAAAAAN FRAAAAAAANCISCOOOOOOOO, BE SURE TO WEAR FLOOOOOOWERS IN YOUR HAIR!" he sang.

The Daleks in the audience looked at each other and all of them began to shoot at Bob.

"NO, DON'T SHOOT ME!" Bob screamed. "SHOOT THE PIG OP-PRESSOR! FIGHT THE POWER! MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR! GIVE PEACE A…"

His pleas were silenced when the Daleks blew up the dome. The stage Dalek glided over and looked inside him. He stared at the ruined Dalek for a moment in confusion.

"THERE IS NO DALEK IN HERE!" he announced to the audience.

"Nope, sorry, there isn't."

The stage Dalek spun his eyestalk around when he heard the Doctor's voice coming from inside the casing.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" he demanded.

"It's just little old me, the Oncoming Storm. My friends and I are listening in on your little pow-wow and I'm warning you right here and now, mess with me and I'll turn you all into rubbish bins!"

"Don't come after me, Daleks, I had nothing to do with this," Rose said, jerking the microphone out of his hand.

"Give me that, you little turncoat," the Doctor said, grabbing it back from her. "You are my companion, not theirs."

He cleared his throat.

"Sorry, slight problem with the staff here," he said as Rose muttered under her breath. "Anyway, as I was saying, I would think long and hard before you tried anything because I will take all your plungers and jam them up your butts and believe me, if there isn't a Dalek butthole, I will personally make one! So, keep that in mind because I'm watching you, ooooooo-ee-ooooooooooo!"

He threw the microphone on the table and looked at Jack with a self-satisfied grin.

"That takes care of that. Those chickens will think twice before they cross me!" he said, confidently. "So, what should we do next? Who should we play a prank on?"

"Um…we could go give Weevils wedgies," Jack said.

The Doctor considered that.

"Weevil wedgies. Sounds intriguing. Will it be dangerous?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well, that's all I need to know. Let's go weed out some Weevils and give them wedgies!" he said as he leapt up from the jump seat.

Rose sighed and got up from her seat.

"If you need me, I'll be crouching down in a bomb shelter somewhere. Let me know when every monster in the universe quits attacking the TARDIS," she said, walking off.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

The Daleks were seething after the last prank by the Doctor. They needed a way to get back at him once and for all. They formed a committee then put their domes together to try to come up with a way to get revenge on him. Everyone put forth ideas but none of them seemed right. For two days they debated and argued it over without reaching a definite solution.

Then on the last day while they argued together in an office boardroom the personal assistant Dalek of the Dalek chairman announced they had a visitor who felt he might have a solution to the problem. She introduced him as Rob the robotics expert. The chairman asked her to show him in and she went and got him. He came in a moment later and stopped in front of the table the Daleks were all clustered around. They stared at him. Glued onto the front of his armor just above his gun was a white pocket protector with several ballpoint pens in it and over his eyepiece was affixed a single eyeglass lens in a heavy black frame.

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SHOW US?" the chairman said.

"MY FELLOW DALEKS," he said in a nasally voice. "I AM A ROBOTICS EXPERT WHO DESIGNS NEW AND IMPROVED BATTLE ARMOR WHEN I'M NOT WATCHING STAR TREK. I HAVE HEARD THAT YOU ARE SEACHING FOR A WAY TO DESTORY THE DOC-TOR AND I BELIEVE I HAVE A SO-LU-TION."

He glided back out the door and returned a moment later. The Daleks stared at what was following him.

"THAT IS THE DOC-TOR'S FE-MALE!" the chairman yelled when Rose Tyler followed him in.

"NO, IT IS NOT. IT IS A ROBOTIC VERSION OF HER," Rob clarified.

The committee looked at each other.

"YOU HAVE CREATED A ROBOT FE-MALE?" one of the Daleks said.

"COR-RECT. THIS ROBOT IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. I HAVE SPENT TIME STUDYING THE FE-MALE'S MAN-NE-RISMS IN BE-TWEEN EPISODES OF STAR TREK AND I THINK THE DOC-TOR WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

The committee looked at each other.

"I VOTE WE TRY HIS IDEA!" one of the Daleks said.

"I DO TOO," another one said.

The chairman looked at them.

"ALL IN FAVOR RAISE YOUR PLUNGERS!"

Everyone raised their plungers.

"VERY WELL, WE WILL SEND THE FE-MALE ROBOT TO DESTROY THE DOC-TOR IMMEDIATELY!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor was relaxing on the jump seat reading a book while his feet were propped up on the rim of the console. It was another lazy day. Rose and Jack were both taking naps while the TARDIS was filling up at the rift.

The Doctor looked up when he heard a knock on the TARDIS door. Frowning, he walked over and opened the door a crack. His eyes bulged when he saw Rose standing outside the door. He opened it up.

"Rose? What are you doing outside? I thought you were in your bedroom," he said.

Rose walked inside and he closed the door.

"Very tricky of you, Tyler, seeing as how I've been sitting here the entire time," he said to her. "How did you do it?"

"I HAVE DONE NOTHING, DOC-TOR! I WAS OUTSIDE THE ENTIRE TIME!" she yelled at him in a Dalek voice.

The Doctor stared at her.

"Um, what's with the voice?"

"I DO NOT UNDER-STAND, DOC-TOR! MY VOICE IS NORMAL AND FULLY FUNCTIONAL. NOW WHERE IS THE EATING CHAMBER SO I MAY GET SUSTENANCE?"

The Doctor stared at her silently.

"You mean the kitchen?"

YES, I REQUIRE NOURISHMENT TO SURVIVE. WHERE IS THE EATING CHAMBER AT?"

"In the back same as always."

"THANK YOU, DOC-TOR. NOW IF YOU WILL EX-CUSE ME, I MUST HAVE NOURISHMENT!"

He stared at her while she walked past him to the back room.

"Okay, what's with the daft Dalek imitation?" he muttered as he followed her.

He frowned while he followed behind her. Rose was going in every single room except the kitchen. After going in the wrong rooms five times, she finally turned and faced him.

"I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHERE THE EATING CHAMBER IS LOCATED!" she yelled at him.

"It's down this way, Rose, remember?"

Rose paused a moment.

"OF COURSE I REMEMBER, I WAS HAVING YOU ON, HA, HA, HA!"

The Doctor sighed.

"Rose, the Dalek impression is wearing very thin, alright?"

"I DO NOT UNDER-STAND! I AM SPEAKING NORMALLY FOR A HUMAN EARTH FEMALE!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"Follow me then, Rose the Dalek and I'll take you to the eating chamber for your sustenance," he muttered.

"EXCELLENT. TAKE ME THERE IMMEDIATELY. OBEY! OBEY! OBEY!"

Resisting the urge to stuff a handkerchief in her mouth and wrap duct tape around her head, the Doctor led her to the kitchen. A moment later, they reached it and the Doctor pointed to the interior.

"There, now go and get some sustenance," he said.

"THANK YOU, DOC-TOR; YOU WILL BE REWARDED FOR YOUR OBEDIENCE. IN THE MEANTIME I WILL EAT SINCE THAT IS WHAT HUMANS DO."

The Doctor watched while she went in the kitchen. He stared at her when she started opening and slamming cabinets and drawers without getting anything out of them.

"Rose? What are you doing?" he said annoyed.

"I AM HAVING SUSTENANCE!"

"Uh…no, you're making a racket is what you're doing," the Doctor said. "Jack is trying to sleep, so knock it off!"

"VERY WELL, I SHALL CEASE MOVE-MENT!"

The Doctor shook his head when Rose stopped in the middle of the kitchen and stood there.

"Rose, for the last time, stop pretending to be a Dalek, alright? It wore thin after two minutes."

"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE COMMAND, DOC-TOR!"

The Doctor threw up his hands.

"Fine, whatever, be a Dalek. I'm gonna go back to reading my book," he said angrily.

He stomped down the hall muttering under his breath.

"I swear, sometimes Rose can be such a pain in the ass!" he said to himself.

"I'm a what?"

He paused and turned to see Rose coming out of her bedroom behind him.

"What have I done that makes you think I'm a pain in the ass?" Rose said, folding her arms over her chest. "Especially since I've just woken up and haven't done anything to ya."

The Doctor stared at her, perplexed.

"You're in the kitchen," he said.

Rose was taken aback.

"Uh, no I'm not if you noticed," she said.

"Well, were you in the kitchen a few minutes ago?"

"No, I just woke up. Why do you think I'm in the kitchen?"

"I AM DONE PROCURING NOURISHMENT FOR MY HUMAN BODY!"

Both of them were floored when Rose walked down the corridor towards them. The Doctor stared at the Rose walking up to him and stared at the Rose in the doorway and back again.

"What the hell?" he muttered.

The Rose in the hallway stopped in front of him.

"NOW THAT I HAVE NOURISHMENT IN MY BODY. IT IS TIME FOR US TO PROCREATE AND MAKE SOME DESCENDENTS!"

"Excuse me?" Rose said, glaring at her.

"I'm sorry, you wanna do what?" the Doctor said.

"WE MUST PROCREATE AND MAKE DESCENDENTS. WE SHALL RETIRE TO THE SLEEP CHAMBER WHERE WE WILL ENGAGE IN HUMAN INTERCOURSE IN ORDER TO MAKE FETUSES THAT WILL GROW INTO DESCENDENTS."

"Riiight," the Doctor said, reaching into his jacket pocket for his sonic screwdriver.

He walked around her, held the screwdriver to her neck and turned it on. Both of them backed up when the Rosebot began to fizzle and pop and smoke while it went haywire.

"I MUST GO TO THE EATING CHAMBER AND PROCREATE SOME NOURISHMENT SO I CAN EAT FETUSES!" it said as its programming went berserk.

They both backed up when the Rosebot began to spin around and flail its arms in the air.

"I WILL EAT THE DOC-TOR SO HE CAN PROCREATE SOME SUSTENENCE FOR THE SLEEP CHAMBER!" she yelled. "I AM A CHAV, I AM A CHAV, I AM A chaaaaaaaaa…"

The Rosebot trailed off and finally crashed to the floor in a lifeless heap. Jack finally flung open his door and looked out.

"What the hell are you doing, Doctor? What's with all the screaming about procreating fetuses?"

He noticed the remains of the Rosebot and stepped outside.

"What is that?" he said pointing to it.

"I have a feeling our Dalek friends were trying to get back at us," the Doctor said.

"See! I told ya! I told ya the day of reckoning would come!" Rose said to him. "You two couldn't leave well enough alone and now they're starting to counterattack!"

The Doctor bent down and examined the remains.

"Fiendishly clever," he said.

He grinned and looked up at Jack.

"But we can do better, can't we, Harkness?"

He smiled back.

"Indeed we can. They wanna take it up a notch we'll certainly oblige them."

"That we will. Now come on and help me get this to the lab so I can examine it. We will build ourselves a better mousetrap, my friend."

Rose stared at them in stunned silence when they picked it up and carried it away discussing what they were going to do to the Daleks next. Throwing her arms up in exasperation she decided to forgo breakfast, lunch, supper and the whole day and just stay in her room where she wouldn't have to put up with the two immature babies any more.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: This chapter came about because a friend of mine and I were having a conversation about numerous times when the Daleks had a chance to kill the Doctor and he would just stand there and talk to them and they would never fire a shot, only listen to him like a bunch of idiots.

Chapter Fourteen

The Doctor and Jack lay in his living room swigging a couple of bottles of Coke while they talked. They had examined the Rosebot from top to bottom but hadn't come up with any good ideas for revenge so they decided to go watch some quiz shows in the hopes that a good idea would pop into their heads.

"You know, it's a shame, Doctor," Jack said while he lay on the floor.

"Shame about what?" the Doctor said while he lay on the sofa.

"That you've spent most of your lives being terrorized by space squids in pepper pot armor."

He chuckled.

"Yeah, that is pretty pathetic when you put it that way. Yup, the space squids are the bane of my existences."

"How long have they been chasing you?"

"Since my first life."

"And you've managed to survive this long?"

He shrugged.

"Luck, I guess."

"Yeah, but there has to be something more to it than that. I mean, is there some kind of strategy you used or secret defense?"

"Not really."

"Well, what do you usually do when you see them?"

"I see them and confront them and usually we talk and..."

"Talk? What do you talk about?" Jack said.

"Oh, mostly about how I will defeat them and they'll never get away with their plans and things along those lines."

"And they let you talk?"

"Oh yeah. They always let me talk."

"You mean, they just stand there and don't shoot you?"

"Nope."

"Even if they have a clear shot at you?"

"Yup. They just let me rabbit on while they listen. They're very polite that way, I guess."

"Always?" Jack said.

He thought.

"Yeah. Even Davros will listen to me. I guess I have a pleasant voice and they just love to hear it."

"Care to put it to the test?" Jack said grinning.

The Doctor stared at him.

"What'd ya mean?"

"I wanna see if you can go among the Daleks and risk getting shot while you talk to them the whole time."

The Doctor considered that and a slow smile spread across his face and he snickered.

"Just don't tell Rose I'm doing this because she's already pissed off that we keep doing this."

"My lips are sealed," Jack said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They waited until Rose was taking a nap before they snuck into the console and set a course for Skaro.

"I hope we're right about this. I think Rose would be pissed if you came back in here in a different body," Jack said.

"Um…Jack, if a Dalek shoots me point blank, I won't be coming back in here, full stop. I'll be dead."

"Oh! Um, should I be doing this then?"

"Can you talk to the Daleks and keep them from shooting you?"

"Dunno, never really tried. The one time they did I shut up and let them shoot me. I suppose if I kept talking they wouldn't have, but then again…"

"In that case, I better do this since I have a proven track record of getting them to listen to me."

"I just hope you know what you're doin', buddy. Because if you do die, Rose will throw me in your grave and bury me with you.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Good luck, Doc," Jack said as the Doctor walked out the door.

"Thanks! Just stay in here and be ready to open the door if need be."

"Gotcha!"

He closed the door back and the Doctor walked over a large hill towards New Skaro.

As he approached the guard at the entrance noticed him.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR, EX-TER-MIN…"

He trailed off when the Doctor calmly walked past him with his hands in his pockets. The Dalek stared at him for a moment and then followed him. Meanwhile, all the other Daleks in the city were noticing him and yelling out that it was him but so far no one shot him. Instead they followed him to the center of the city with their lasers trained on him. The Doctor stopped and stood in the middle of a circle of Daleks five rows deep, all of them with their laser guns directed right at his body.

"IT IS THE DOC-TOR," the yelled in unison. "EX-TER-MIN…"

"WAIT! I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY!" the Doctor screamed, throwing up his hands.

He lowered his hands and looked around at the Daleks. Not a one of them moved or shot him or made as much as a peep.

"Well, I'll be damned, it works," the Doctor muttered.

He looked at the Daleks who were still waiting on him to say something.

"Yes, um…thank you for listening to me. First off, I want to say that you won't get away with what you're doing because I am the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm and I always defeat you. Secondly, if you shoot me, you'll end up shooting each other which defeats the purpose of killing me. Thirdly, I am going to recite to you all of Hamlet's soliloquies. So, here goes…to be or not to be…"

The Doctor talked on and on. After doing the soliloquies, he discussed, the weather, sport, maths problems, who Brad Pitt was dating, the problems with keeping his hair looking fabulous, how a pimple on his nose was growing bigger by the second and soon he'd have an unsightly pockmark. On and on and on he talked and the Daleks listened patiently. Then…the Doctor had another idea. While he rambled on, he began to wander around the city. Even though he was defenseless and his back was to the Daleks, they still didn't shoot him, just wandered around with him waiting for him to finish what he was saying so they could shoot him. At one point, the Doctor turned and walked right through him and to his surprise, the Daleks make a gap for him. He walked through and they turned and just followed him while he walked the other way. He strolled through the city while the attentive Daleks just listened.

Eventually, one of them got frustrated.

"HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP TALKING DOC-TOR? WE WANT TO KILL YOU!"

"Nearly to the end, just keep your metal knickers on!" he snapped at him.

He glared at the rude Dalek who backed up several feet and lowered his eyestalk to the ground in shame for daring to interrupt the Oncoming Storm. He turned back around and went back to talking about how Rose's breasts were simply fabulous while the Daleks continued to listen and follow obediently.

On and on and on, the expert rambler rambled while the angry Daleks followed along behind him. He talked and talked while he led them out of the city, up over the hill and back to his TARDIS. He kept up the constant stream of chatter while he knocked on the door.

"Well, it's been marvelous chatting with you," he said when Jack opened the door. "I got so much off of my chest and I feel 100 percent better now. So all of you have a fabulous day and I'll see you some other time, cheers!"

He quickly hurried in the door and Jack slammed it before the Daleks could shoot him. The Daleks let out enraged yells and tried to shoot the TARDIS which naturally had the extrapolator shielding on it and so the idiot space squids weren't able to make a dent in it. The last thing they heard before the TARDIS dematerialized was their nemesis on his tannoy system laughing hysterically at them and then he was gone leaving the angered Daleks to figure out what just happened and why they let him get away once again when they had a clear shot.


End file.
